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Thursday, December 22, 2016

How The Times Change

It has been so long since I have been able to write a blog that I wouldn't even know where to start with it all. Everything that I thought my life was, is no more. I have done a complete overhaul of my life and dropped everything and started from scratch you could say.

For a very long time I stayed in a relationship with a man that I thought I was meant to be with forever. I loved him so deeply that I would do anything for him, and I did just that. I did ANYTHING for him. All the way down to cutting out my entire life as it was. I found myself losing people I loved deeply, lying about things I shouldn't have been lying about, making excuse after excuse for his actions and mine. All the while I was was completely oblivious to what was really happening in front of my face. It was abuse. Abuse all the time. Control and abuse. Every moment of my life I was being controlled and if he didn't like it, there would come the abuse. Whether it be mental, emotional or physical.

I stayed for as long as I did because I really did love him. I loved him more than I had loved any other man I never had children with. So I stayed and fought and tried my hardest to get this man help. He even had me convinced a time or two that he was going to get help and then he would fall right back into the same old patterns and routines. And I stayed because frankly, I was just tired of RUNNING. I felt like I had RAN from every relationship I had ever been in my entire life for one reason or another. I felt at the time (and still believe) they are valid reasons as to why I left. But I left nonetheless. And I am 31 years old. I don't want to run. I want to be able to wake up to the same person every single day for the rest of my life and fight and argue and still love each other without getting punched in the face. Figuratively or literally. And just find that deep, real love I have been searching for my entire life and have it for the rest of my life.

But I will no longer subject myself or my children to violence of any sorts. I will not hide or make excuses for myself or him anymore. I will never look back and I will never put myself in a situation like that ever again. I have left him and I am never looking back. I have uprooted everything.

I decided enough was enough. I packed the kids clothes, my clothes and took all of our important papers and I left the city altogether. I am staying with a friend. A new city, a new start, new friends, and maybe one day a new love. But for now I am just going to focus strictly on building the best foundation I can for my children. They deserve a stronger mother than the person I have been lately.

That man had beaten me down so far, I don't even know who I am anymore. At this point my kids are the only reason I get out of bed everyday because I have no other reason too. I am tired. My soul is just tired.. My body is tired. And I just need a vacation. Or maybe a girl's night would work. But I need something to regather my thoughts and scattered brain. My kids are my only motivation these days. So I will use that to get back to the person I used to be, I hope.

So while I am writing this. I want to take a moment to apologize to anyone I may have hurt or wronged in anyway. And I will no longer be going back to him, he will just be a nightmare in the back of my mind and a piece of my history. What is done, is done.

Now our new life, 56 miles away begins......