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Monday, June 8, 2015

Life and other shit

Usually don't use cuss words in my post titles but this covers it. Life and other shit that's happened in the last few months. I thought when I got the internet I would be blogging more. Turns out, I just got so busy I almost forgot I even had a blog. Until I was ready to vent and had no one to vent to. But my blog. Cuz ya know, I don't have friends at all, not that will listen and give advice like friends do. All I have is my blog. And sad to say, I haven't even been using your blog. So I have a lot of shit that is all pent up because I've had no way to let my words loose. So I have done what "normal" people do and let all go to my therapist who is only gets paid to hear me whine and complain and judge me all in one hour. That's the hour they use to depict what is wrong with you and what strain of medication your fucked up ass needs to be on.

I am so tired of doctors. A few months back I had decided that I was going to stop seeing doctors altogether. I was sick of them. None of them listened and I still don't believe there is one doctor in the city of Omaha that actually gives a shit about their patients. So I still don't know why I bother with doctors. They don't seem to help, they make things worse. So, next random shit..

My wonderful (not so baby) baby got accepted into Pre-K and her first day of school is August 17th. So I have been left with what to do when my last baby heads off to school. I could try to find work and I am sure I could find somewhere to work. But as I learned recently, when I work it takes another part of my body hostage and I hurt myself even more in the long run. Yet, they still tell me I don't qualilfy for social security. Still, after all these years and doctors telling me its permanent I can't find anyone  to give a damn, probably won't. Sit around at home and get lost in my thoughts? So far that is all I have come up with. I tried to get a hobby. It seems the only hobby I have is my garden and that is only a few months out of the whole year. So what the hell am I going to do? I have no clue.

In the past 3 months I have been around 3 people close to me and my man's best friend passing away, just like that. Surrounded bt 4 death's in 3 month's makes you take a look at life a little differently. It initally made me look at and love my family and friends a little more. Especially my best friend, who lost her father. I can't help with anyone's grief process. Because everyone will always grieve in different ways. But all I can say for sure is what I have said to everyone, "you have the rest of your life to grieve, it doesn't need to happen overnight" and just be there when or if someone needs me.

But it seems that no one needs me these days. Ive brought up such independant children that 9/10 they don't even need me for anything anymore. They can cook, and clean and live life without a second look back at their broken mom. It makes me proud and sad at the same time. The feeling of not being NEEDED is killing me. Almost like empty nest syndrome but they are still here Lol

I havent felt needed or appreciated by anyone in awhile. I feel alone and lonely. So I have tried to go head first into my garden but the last few days the heat is just to much, I have to take breaks.If I keep myself busy all day I won't have time to sit in my head and realize that  no one around me needs me. What do I do about that?

Things seem to be on the rocks with boyfriend and I. Seems like when everything is going great, something is tearing us apart making us fight. Even death has plagued us both and neither of us are good at communicating, but he is worse at it than I am. There have been some angry and hurtful things said. So much hurt that it brings me to tears just thinking about it. But trying to get past it and move on with our lives is our biggest hardship. I can't let things go and neither can he. But something has to give. Because if all this continues I'm afraid we won't make it and that thought scares me more than anything. And I honestly wish I knew what I could do to fix it. Everything is a mess.

My entire life is a mess, it's all chaos. It feels so chaotic, yet typical at the same time. And I am not sure what tomorrow holds. All I can do is today. And today, I can only take life 1 minute at a time to keep pushing forward. Because  that is the only direction I know how to push..forward. I don't give up or run away.

I will always keep fighting for what I want, that will never change..