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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Family and Motherhood

I have been a mother for almost 13 years now. It's strange to even say that outloud because it still seems like just yesterday I was bringing my precious crotchfruit into this world. But time has just flown on by and now at the ripe ole' age of 28 I have 3 beautiful and annoying children. They are all three in different stages of childhood. I had my children to far apart LOL They are 12, 7 and 3 and all of them are about to hit their birthdays. My oldest is now in Middle school and in the process of discovering who she is, what path she wants to take in life and going through puberty. She is mouthy and snotty and sometimes stuck up. But she is still a good kid with good grades and she just excels. My son is now in 2nd grade and in such an awkward stage. It's hard for me to raise a son, because I am not a "man" so it is hard for me to teach him the manly things he needs to know. But I have done pretty well so far, and now he has a wonderful man in his life to teach him all the manly things. He likes to take things apart, just to see how to put them together. Such a fun stage Lol Sometimes they don't always go back together. But that is how you learn and I just bare with it. He will grow out of it, right? My last baby is 3 and learning her numbers and counting. She couldn't start Pre-K this year because she didn't meet the birthday guidelines. So she gets one more year home with mom before she ventures out into the world like my other 2.

But, it doesn't seem to matter what I do with my kids, one of them is always unhappy with me. I am only one person and my children expect me, as MOM to do it all. My oldest things I favor my son, because he is my only son. Therefore she thinks he NEVER gets in trouble. Truth is, she has just been gone all summer so she doesn't know what's happened. She just assumes. My son thinks I let my oldest get away with murder because she is the oldest and she gets to do more. My youngest thinks I need to give her my undivided attention 24/7. My son has an open house this week and she is mad because I signed up to go. But because of car issues, I missed her volleyball practice. Because I am supposed to be an assistant coach for her team this year. So all because I missed ONE practice because I couldn't find a ride or a sitter, I'm somehow favoring my son, over her. Even though it wasn't my fault and definitely wasn't my intention.

I also missed the very first PTA meeting of the year. Because YES, I am also a PTA mom. So I volunteer at my son's school and my daughter's while going through 801 health issues and my body is trying to shut down on me. I get it, they are kids and I am mom. Yes, maybe I did bite off a little more than I could chew. But I have ALWAYS been an active participant in my kids' school and supporting them 100% of the time.

But it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I am always the bad guy. Or I am playing favorites or they think I spend more time with one sibling over the other. And I am playing pure hell trying to balance everyone and everything out.

I need a damn vacation or something. Because I am just plain fried. And I don't know what to do. And I dont think it matters what I do, someone will always be upset with me. And it's not for lack of trying.

So what do I do now? I feel at a loss. I dont know what to do to make them all happy or even content for that matter. With that said. It's time to shower. I am an assistant volleyball coach at school, everyday this week.

Anyone have any thoughts? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't know what to do to keep everyone happy. And no one is happy it seems. :-/

Monday, August 18, 2014

Health, or lack thereof...

My health has been a roller coaster for as long as I can remember now. I don't think there has been a time in the last 3 years where I could say that I was 100% healthy. I am not even sure when I can tell you I was 100% healthy, that's how long it's been. Anywho.

The end of last year I was seeing doctor after doctor because of issues with my blood. My white count was 3 times as high as it was supposed to be. As if my body was trying to fight off an infection, but I had no signs of any infections at all. So my white count was high, my red count was low. Which is nothing new either. When I was pregnant with Jacklynn I had to go in for iron injections because my hemaglobin was THAT low. I've always had low iron, so it didn't surprise me. After I had approximately 22 different blood tests done, a scope of my insides (intestines and liver and such..) they finally told me that I had Celiac's Disease and Crohn's disease and I also had Leukemia. That was grand. After hearing all of that information I don't think I told anyone about it, including my other half. For almost 2 weeks. Maybe it was denial? It just hadn't sunk in? I'm not sure what it was, but I waited. And even then, I only told a few people what I was going through. 

I'm a tough cookie, and I didn't want anyone to panic or feel sad or worried about me. Not when most of my family had enough going on, I didn't need to add to it. So I went to my chemo appointments alone. I let it be known I was all cancerous, but went by myself. Told everyone I just needed to see the doctor. So I did the chemo thing. My hair started falling out. I was going bald. The night I realized that my hair was falling out by the clumps, I laid in bed and cried for about 5 hours. My hair, the one and only thing I have always loved about myself, I was losing. I cried and cried and cried until my entire face was all puffy and I couldn't even see. I went to bed, got up the next morning and pushed forward. That's all I ever do, is keep pushing forward. I did the Chemo for a long time, after my hair fell out in that big giant clump I never really lost anymore. It came out in strands, but no different then when a lady brushes her hair. I've always been one to "shed" as I call it Lol But I did get blisters on the back of my head. So bad that they would bleed. I told no one. I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on. I just dealt with everything and continued about my days as if nothing was wrong. And then it happened! I finally got the news that I was in remission. And I felt so relieved, almost whole again. But that was just the beginning.

I was having girl issues. Let me tell you, it really sucks having girl parts. Lol I was bleeding for 2 months straight. No reason as to why. My tubes are tied, I wasn't pregnant. They ran test, they did an ultrasound and then an internal ultrasound which any woman will tell you, is just plain uncomfortable and awkward. Once they did the internal ultrasound they had discovered what my problem was. I once again, had cancer. On my ovary. I had ovarian cancer. Ugh, wouldn't that be my luck? That is always my luck. But they caught it soon enough, when they went in to do my endometrial ablasion (they burnt the lining of my uterus) so I wouldn't have any more periods, they took it out at the same time. But sadly it is back now, with a vengeance. They will now have to take out my right ovary. I keep telling them to just take it all. They won't, because I am only 28 and it will automatically throw me into menopause. I say, you might as well. Because the luck I have, it will end up on my other ovary and I will just go through this same BS all over again. I really wish I could get any doc to listen to me. But apparently there is NO doctor in the state of Nebraska that will knowingly throw me into menopause, as much as I keep telling them too LOL So here goes this mess all over again. And it gets worse!

My back and leg issues have gotten worse. Since I have lived in this house (March) I have fallen down the stairs at least 7 times and it is only August. It's just SO bad, I've almost reached the point to where I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning. I cry every morning before my kids can see me. My entire body hurts so much on a daily basis I have begun to hate myself. But I did what I always do, and PUSH forward. I called my new doctor to let him know what was up. He suggested that I needed a spinal stimulator to help with my leg. It would improve my pain and function by at least 50% and to me, that was better than no improvement at all. So even though I wasn't ready for yet another surgery. I was mentally ready to go through more pain, to be a half functioning normal person. I was ready. Doc proceeds to tell me that one of the requirements for this surgery is to have a psychiatric evaluation done before hand. Apparently to make sure I can mentally and physically handle being cut open for a 4th time. But guess what? I failed that psych eval miserably. I am apparently manic depressive and have generalized anxiety. You mean to tell me, after all these years of ME telling doctor's the same thing.. Someone finally thinks that they need to tell me? I laughed in his face LOL He is now doing nothing. He referred me to a pain management clinic which is supposed to help me "live" with the pain and manage it. Which is basically, me seeing a shrink LOL That's what it amounts too.

So this is where I sit today. All cancery with 34890589034 problems with my leg and back and the best they can do for me, is to tell me to go see a shrink. Cuz, you know. The shrink I was seeing for 2 years did no good. So why not do it again? I'm not scheduled to see my back doctor again until November. When he will then "review" my file and go from there.

Aren't I just a boatload of good news? Seems like everyday I live seems to get worse and getting anyone to listen or care is an obstacle. I can't even get my kids to help without fighting me and each other. But that is a different blog LOL


That's the end of that..

Home Sweet Home

I have no idea where to start this blog. But anymore it seems I never know where to start them out at. Lol The last time I blogged, was well over 6 months ago. SO much has happened in the last 6 months that I'm not sure I can get it all in one blog. I may have to stretch it out.

The last time I blogged, it was about the house that I am currently living in. This house isn't as picture perfect as I thought it was. But is it ever? There is always problems and even in the back of my mind I knew it. Even then. But after awhile it all came to light and they are small enough things that I can replace or fix that aren't going to require much. But I've been baring with it and hanging in there. Started out pulling the very, very disgusting carpets out of the bedrooms. I am not sure who it was that lived here before, but I think they owned every animal on the planet because there was shit just caked on the floors, in the corners of the walls. It was BAD and nasty and disgusting. Pulling the carpets was the first order of business, and it REALLY makes a difference in the smell that was protruding from upstairs. It was really that bad. Baby steps, and I will get this place where it needs to be. Just need to put in a little elbow grease.

This neighborhood however, I am not so sure about. I feel like I have had one problem after another with these neighborhood kids since the weather got warm. I have had them threaten my dog, tell me I am a racist bitch and so forth. Had one child whip my son with a plastic baseball bat, and just yesterday even had a child (about 12 or 13 I would say) hit my son in the face because she claims he was stepping on her foot, from behind. I seen the whole thing take place. But apparently I am deaf and blind because there is no teenager around here that would lie, EVER! LOL I've been nice, I've talked to parents, I've made numerous police reports. And guess what? It just keeps getting worse and worse. And I am not saying my kids are 100% innocent in any of it. They have started their share of shit. But they have never put their hands on another person, because *I* have raised them better than that. But bottom line of it all, I can't control anyone else's kids. It doesn't matter what I say, or what I do. When it comes right down to it, the only ones I can control are my own kids. And I don't want them around any person that thinks it is okay to hit someone, because they are doing something that they don't like. Sorry Charlie, not how this family rolls at all. So as of yesterday, my children are no longer allowed outside of this house, anywhere in this neighborhood until we have a privacy fence. At least with a fence, I know my kids are in OUR yard and I wont have to deal with anyone else's bullshit. My kids are going to hate me for awhile, but being back in school and doing their after school activities, should keep them occupied enough. And on the weekends, we will go elsewhere if we need to. Cuz this mama isn't taking anyone's shit anymore and I am NOT playing nice. I am tired of playing nice, especially with a bunch of bad ass kids. And I've been sitting here for weeks wondering, do they even have parents? I have lived in this house since March and I always see kids, never any parents, of said bad ass kids. I am not always outside with my kids. My oldest is almost 13. They stay out front unless asked and I sit right by the window to watch them, and I check on them frequently. I don't just let them loose. Gives my oldest the responsibility she feels like she needs, while giving them freedom. But still close enough for me to stick my foot up their ass if they need it. But most of these kids are outside for multiple hours and I never see any parents. Sad really, but like I said. I can't control anyone else's children and their behavior. All I can do is keep a lid on my children and know who they are playing with and when and all that dandy shit. Back on to the house..

I pulled the carpets and started painting the girl's bedroom. Of course, as sure as I was that I had enough paint to do the whole bedroom lol I didn't. So its only partially painted. But it looks better than it did and the girls say it makes them feel more comfortable. So we both win. 

But we haven't gotten any further than that. My health issues are always in the way, and it's my next blog. So stay tuned. But I figure that I have all the time in the world to get it done, so I am in no rush at all. It will all happen when it is supposed to, how it's supposed to.

With all the other shit. I will just do what I knew I should have in the first place and stick to myself. My days are quieter. I dont have to deal with drama and bullshit and I don't have to wear any pants. It's win/win.

So with that said, I bid you adue as I head to my next blog for the day...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Finally! A Step Forward, Not Backwards..

So for those that didn't see it on Facebook, already I do have some good news!

The boyfriend and I are buying a house! It's strange to even say that to myself out loud. But it's true! We were looking for a place to move, and I stumbled upon a place that was originally for rent. But after talking with her on the phone a bit and of course talking to the boyfriend we had the option to buy it. And I don't know about you. But I would much rather own a house, then to be renting one for the rest of my life. Now, don't get me wrong I skeptical at first. Who wouldn't be? I had my doubts, worries, questions. I wondered if it was to good to be true. Because it really sounded to go to be true.

But this house is perfect for us. Has a fairly new roof, a good foundation. A brand new furnace, a new central air system, the siding isn't brand new but it isn't very old either. Has a good sized yard that won't be hard to fence in. A front and back porch.  It's 2 stories. 3 bedrooms. Has a good size kitchen, a laundry room separate from all the other rooms. 2 different sets of steps to get upstairs. The living room and the master bedroom has wood floors that I have fallen in love with! The girl's room is the entire length of the house. The plumbing is good. Everything is awesome! And it will be our's in 4 years. That's it! We will own it in less than 4 years. Maybe even sooner than that. I guess it just depends on how money goes.

I haven't had a chance to take pictures yet. Everything has been crazy. But the lease is signed, and the lights and the gas is on. We should have the keys within a few days so we can move in! I can get pictures then for everyone to see.

I am just glad to finally be taking steps forward and not backwards. I had gone from living in a house, to living in the projects to living with someone and I was about to be living with someone else when I just so happen to accidentally find the place and I am so glad that I did. And I can't wait to make new memories with the kids in this house. The house that will be ours forever! Well maybe not forever lol But for as long as we want.

I can't wait to start my garden! Flowers and veggies! I have been overdue for Spring for awhile now. And I wasn't able to do a garden last year because of my back. This year won't be quite as bad. And the best part? We can do whatever we want to the house! If I want to paint, I can. If I feel like throwing a brick through the wall, I can do that! Cuz it's my house and no one is going to give a shit! hahahahaha

Of course, now I need to find a permanent and steady job. Because I don't necessarily need it, but I want it. I really need to work. Not just for the money, but I really need some adult interaction. Because being with just kids all the time is driving me batshit crazy. I am ready to lock myself up and throw away the key lol

I still can't believe it! By the time I am 32 I will be the owner of a house! And not at anyone else's hands. Just our's. It will be our house! 

And the wait is KILLING ME! 

I Have Lost My Mind...

You all think I am crazy? Please. It has gotten worse as time has gone by. I mean, I had convinced myself that it was just my crazy life. All the crazy shit that has happened in my life in the last 8 months or so. But I don't think that's all of it. Or maybe that is the cause of it? I don't know. Either way I think I have lost my mind. And not in a good way either. 

It started out as little things. Like I would constantly forget where I would put my car keys, and they would be hanging on my lanyard. Which happens to most people. They have them sitting in my plain sight. But it's gotten so bad. I am forgetting the kids' school events (I NEVER forget those) I am forgetting all of my doctor appointment's. I have to program in my phone what DAY my shows come on. I always get my days mixed up. Usually 3-4 days a week it's still always Tuesday, even if someone has told me that it isn't Tuesday. To me, it's still Tuesday. I forget where I put the trash bags, I can't remember where I took my bra off. I can't remember where I left my deoderant (even though it stays in the bathroom) I lose my coffee cup frequently, or I will leave it at someone's house and forget about it. I also seem to do that with my hoodie's too.

I can be in the MIDDLE of talking to you, and forget what the hell I was even talking about in the first place. Or I will call you about something, and not even know why I called you.

Everything has been plain crazy. And it's slowly but surely getting worse. Why? I have no idea. At first I just thought it was the ubber amount of stress that I was under. Between the stress and the shitty everything situation I put myself in, I figured I just needed to deal with it like I do everything else. You all know how I am by now. If something is thrown at me, I just roll with the punches like I always do.

But I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand being in my own skin. I can't STAND myself. I am constantly cranky and irritable or bitching about something that doesn't even need to be bitched about really. And bitching is just not my style, at least not how I have been. What can I say? I still have vagina. Bitching is in my DNA. Anywho..

The kids are driving me nuts, even nuttier than normal. They are just kids, and I know they are just kids and some people will tell me "It's just kids being kids" but it isn't ALL just kids being kids. Maybe everything that is going on is getting to them too, but what else can I do? I have tried everything with them too and I am at my wits end with everything anymore. I am running out of patience with everyone and everything. And I am just burnt out.

And before anyone sits here and tells me that I need to talk to a dr, I already did. And you know what happened? Nothing. My doctor doesn't give a flying fuck. There is "nothing" wrong with my head and there must be "something" mentally wrong with me so I must need to see a nut doctor. And we all know what happened with my last nut doctor... So what good would it do me to travel down that road again? I dont think it will and frankly, I have about given up on myself anyways. 

I know I need to hang in there and be a "better" person and mother for my kids. But I am fucking exhausted. I know somewhere along the lines I will find the strength that I need to do what I need to. But for becheesus christ I am exhausted. My own doctor's don't give a shit. And I have been through some doctor's. To be exact I have been through 21 doctor's in the last 1 1/2 years. And I am NOT looking forward to finding new doctor's, even though in my gut I KNOW that is what I need to do.

When am I going to catch a break? Will it ever happen? CHEESUS! I just want to be able to stand being in my own body. Because I can tell ya, most days I can't even stand being in my own body. And there is nothing I can do about it. I mean, do you know what it's life to be trapped in your own body? I mentally want to be able to get up and do what I want to do. Like, go to work like a normal person, do everyday shit like a normal person. And what happens? I can't even roll over without wanting to cry because something has cracked or popped or I can't even roll because it hurts to do that.

So not only have I lost my mind, but I am slowly but surely losing my body too. And there is nothing I can do about it.

So what happens now? All I can do at this point is take it all one day at a time...

Friday, January 17, 2014

Dreams

Lately, for probably about the last week or so I have been having the most disturbing dreams. And when I say disturbing let me clarify a little bit.

We all know that I'm weird, so all in all the dreams that I do remember are usually disturbing. That's nothing new. But these dreams, just flat out have my anxiety going insane. They bother me so much that I don't even want to go to sleep because I know these dreams will come back, with full force. I wouldn't even call them dreams really, more like nightmares. But I am also a firm believer that our dreams are our subconscious' way of telling us all about ourselves, and how we deal with shit.. Which I think is the most disturbing part.

I'm sitting her typing about it, and I don't even really want to talk about them, they bother me that much. But I need to get that out. All these dreams are affecting my daily life. They are all I think about it. Can't seem to get them out of my mind. And sitting here, I have absolutely nothing to do but spend time in my own head. I can't go anywhere, and even if I did I have nowhere to go and it's to damn cold. So here I sit, thinking about these dreams all day and all night long and it's all driving me crazy.

They are just so vivid, so real. It's just scary. And at first I thought it may be from the combination of meds that I am on. Because for all purposes, I am a walking pharmacy. But I don't think it's the meds. The meds that I am on, I have been on for years. If it were the meds, wouldn't I of have had these "nightmare" before now?

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have sat here for days thinking "What does it all mean?" "Why am I having these dreams?" and "Just what is going to happen next?"

I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from them, they are that vivid they wake me up several times in the middle of the night. Maybe it's just everything going on, maybe it is stress. Maybe I am overthinking things and spending to much time in my head, but I really wish I knew how to get rid of these dreams...

My head and mind just need to get their shit together and work it all out before it drives me crazier than I already am...

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Holding On..

It's only 9 days into the New Year, and I gotta say.. It's already been a shitty year. It has been no different then last year. And I sit here and wonder why? Well sort of. I know why. It seems I keep making the wrong decisions over and over again. Why? Because I try to hard to make everyone else happy. I try to hard to do for other's when in the end, no one does for me and mine but me. It's the truth, folks. When push comes to shove and it dials right down to it. The only one helping me when I need it, is me. Mostly, I understand why. My family (well on my mom's side..) is about as broke as they get. We have always been po' folk. So if it comes down to money and I need it, family is not the way to go. And I can't work right now because of all my health problems going on. So  the only person I have to rely on for any sort of financial support is the boyfriend. And God love him for what he does for my children and I, but in turn that makes us a family of 5, not 4. And I think everyone on this planet can agree that you can't raise a family of 5 off of one income unless you are a doctor or dentist or some shit. So God love him a little more for taking care of me and mine when I can't even do it. But in the end it won't be enough. So as sick as I am, I am also job hunting. Why?

Because I refuse to be that person who sits at home and collects a check every damn month when I would rather be working, even if it's part time. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with my whole heart and beyond. But they drive me fucking insane. I couldn't sit at home 24/7/365 and just be a stay at home mommy. I couldn't do it. So I am hunting for a job. In my heart, it is something that I have to do. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with me or not. And even if it kills me, I will git r' done..

So I woke up one morning and had a revelation. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and worrying about the things that I have no control over. Why don't I just worry about what I can do, and where I can go from here? Why not. I am not a complete idiot. I'm also not completely crazy and I know shit can't stay the way it is now. Or I will go batshit crazy and take everyone with me. So where does that leave me? It leaves me making choices. Hard choices, New choices and even a leap of Faith. And Faith and Hope is not something I think I have much of these days. Sad, but true. 

So I have decided to start making better choices. But as I sit here and think about it. Maybe I need to stop thinking about shit so much, and as Nike would say, Just Do It. I know in the past I have talked about things like this before, but I never really have done any of it. Do you know why? Because I had came to the conclusion that my life would always be crappy. My life would always be full of heartache and pain and more pain and more problems and less money, without Love. And let's just say, I've had some inspiration given to me. The wonderful man I am with. Has been my inspiration to be a better me.

I love him in so many ways, in ways I can't even express. It's just indescribable. He is good to me, better to me than any man I have ever in my life been with. He has his "defects" as he calls them, but so do I. And I think both of our defects we are perfectly imperfect together. We are good together, we make a good team. Relationships are all about give and take, and working together, communicating, trust, love and respect for each other. And we have that. And now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. I am scared to lose it. Or that somehow I will screw everything up and end up broken and alone again. Which gives me chills just thinking about it.  But here I am taking chances, because I want more than I have. I want to be a better person, and a better mother regardless of how I am health wise.

I need to learn to control my pain, and not let my pain control me. Because if I keep letting my pain control me. I am going to end up down a road that I don't want to go down.

The first 2 choices I have decided to make are small steps, yet huge ones for me. Because since both of their death's I haven't stepped foot in the cemetery to see them. My brother who died in 1990, and my great-grandmother who died in 1998. I am going to go see them. I think that is one small, yet huge step for me to move forward to give myself and my kids a better life. 

My kids won't understand what its about until they are older. But I will, and so will my wonderful man.

So I am still holding on. Also taking a really huge leap of Faith, but I'm not quite ready to share that one yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. But I will share. Stay tuned my people, stay tuned.

Monday, January 6, 2014

What Now?

I don't even know where to begin with this shit. I don't know where to begin with anything anymore. I have felt so horrible for so long and it's all just shining through finally I guess.

Lately I have been questioning my own decisions in my life. It seems I make one shitty choice after another and always manage to get myself in a boat I can't get out of, every.single.time. I always think about things before I do them, whether it be something as simple as dinner or something huge. I always think about what I am doing before I do it. I'm a planner. Which is a good and bad thing, depends on how you look at it. Because I can plan things until I turn purple and nothing ever goes as planned. It never goes as I plan it. But I think it works that way for everyone, doesn't it? So I had decided not to long ago, that I was just going to stop planning shit, because maybe if I don't plan anything at all, then something might go right for a change? That was my thought process anyways. But that surely hasn't happened.

And all I really can say that I do know right now, is that I am in this funk that I can't seem to get myself out of. Usually if I am sad or feeling down I do what I always do. I spend sometime with my kids, or spend some time with my man and I feel better. But that isn't working. At the end of the day, I have still felt the same. I still feel sad, lost, empty, confused and like everything is my fault. Because everything that is going wrong and bad in my life is my fault. Except for the things that are beyond my control, you know. Like the cancer, and incurable diseases that I am stuck living with the rest of my life. Those I can't control. So I am trying to live with all this, while still trying to be a good mom to my kids, and trying so hard to be the best girlfriend I can be to a man who deserves better than my broken ass. All while I fall apart on the inside.

It was so weird how everything has been lately. I was fine, and everything was okay. I was making it day by day and then I just woke up one day and it was like reality had set in, I guess.

Everything that was wrong or not going the way it should, had hit me all at once. My living situation, my health, not working, no money, no friends, no NOTHING. So I just sat and felt sorry for myself, and getting angry at any and everyone who looked at me wrong. Because when it comes to emotions and feelings. I just suck at showing them. It's just one of my many flaws I guess..

I feel like I have tried so hard in my life, to make a better life for my kids, and for me. And what has it gotten me? Nowhere. In one shit whole after another. One health problem after another. One giant mess after another. And what can I do about it? A whole lot of nothing. I can't work, and please don't give me that "get state assistance" crap. Because in this state, that is next to impossible to get for someone like me, who would actually need it. But that is a different blog.

I only have 4 good things in my life right now, and I am trying so hard to focus on them. My oldest daughter, my son, my youngest baby and my man.. But that doesn't seem to be helping me much either.

I just feel like they deserve better than someone like me. My kids deserve better than all this shit. My man deserves someone who isn't all washed up and broken like me. But how do I fix me? How do I get back to the person I know I am when even doctor's can't fix me?

It's all a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. All I do know is that I am tired of trying, I am tired of the same shit all the time, all because of the shitty decisions I make. But they say that all the wrong decisions you make is what you learn from. But then, why I haven't I learned anything?

And now here I am, about to have nowhere to live, no job and 3 kids to raise. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?

I don't know much of anything anymore. Here is what I do know though:

I have 3 amazing kids. It hasn't seemed to matter how bad I've screwed up, my kids have still turned out pretty well, so far at least. Lol The teenage years haven't approached quite yet, but I am sure that my kids will go from semi evil to pure evil by the time they reach 15. If they make it that long. lol And I have a wonderful man, who is trying so hard to be here for me. Yet, I can't help but think with everything that I am doing wrong, I think I am pushing him away and not even realizing it. I sat here this morning and  thought to myself "Yeah, he deserves so much better than me" 

Back to the feelings thing. I am not good at showing how I feel. I really do suck at showing any kind of emotions. I dont know if it's from how I grew up or just because I am a broken mess or what. But I suck at it. And I have so much Love for this man, he doesn't even realize it. Or maybe he partially does and I am just bad at showing him. But either way, I can't even describe to you the love I have for this man. But it seems with everything inside me that is broken, I can't show it. Why? Who knows, I can't figure it out.

All I do everyday is sit in bed. I don't leave my bed usually. Why? because I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and even if I did, I have no money. So what the hell? I just stay in bed.

I am just plain sad, and it isn't anyone's fault but my own. And I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I don't know how to get back to where I was and I think I will lose some along the way of trying to figure this shit out. I am a Grade A screw up and something in my gut tells me, that this shit is going to get about 99% worse before it gets even an ounce better.

I have lost interest in everything. My blog, Facebook, my books, just about everything I love, I have no interest for anymore. Yeah, I'm depressed and it doesn't look like that's going to turn around anytime soon. And I don't need to go to the doctor. I am there almost weekly and they don't do a damn thing either.

So what now? I love my kids, I love my man. They make me happy. Yet, it doesn't seem to be enough with everything else around me falling apart. So what the fuck now?

This is where I walk away from Facebook, my blog and everything else for awhile. Because I need away I guess. I need time or something, I don't even know what I need. 

And I seem to have no interest in my phone either. So if you call or text or send something on facebook and I don't answer. It's not because I am ignoring you, I just don't give a shit about my phone or who calls and who doesn't or who texts and who doesn't. I just don't care to answer it right now..

But one day, I guess. I just need time


Friday, January 3, 2014

Yea, I Said It! SO WHAT?

So I don't even remember exactly how long ago it was, but it wasn't very long ago. I was just minding my own business in my crazy life, with my crazy kids and I had posted something on MY personal Facebook page about my son. He was being a total ass one day. Getting into shit, taking shit apart trying to put it back together, running around like I slipped some crack in his cereal. He was being a total douche. So I posted on Facebook that my son was being a total douche. Yeah, I said it! So what?

Boy, Oh Boy! I didn't expect what happened next. First I got a slew of "I'm so glad I'm not alone" kind of posts and then came the nasty comments. Then came the "You're a piece of shit mom" and "Your kids are going to hate you when they get older" and blah blah blah. Normally I let them go. Because really, if you know me. Then you know how I am with my kids. You know how I talk to my kids, how I raise my kids and how my kids are. So why on Earth would anyone say that shit? Because. Everyone is so damn judgemental to other parent's it is sickening. The internet is plain sickening anymore. And I don't think that will ever change.. People are always so judging about how you are parenting wrong, and you should do this and not do this and not do that. And I will never understand why. Because every child on this planet is different. For instance..

My oldest daughter is almost 12 going on 40. She thinks the world revolves around her and we should worship the ground she walks on. Sorry, my little minion. It doesn't revolve around you or anyone else. She is a snotty little brat. And I do NOT sugarcoat anything with my children. If she is being a brat, I will tell her she is being a stuck up snotty brat and she changes her attitude. Because she knows.

My son, has  been a Grade A douche lately. Is it my parenting? NO. It comes with the territory of a 7 year old. He is destructive and loud and smells and pees everywhere. So I tell him. "Yo! Dude, you're pissing all over my toilet, you're cleaning it. Cuz, I pee IN the toilet, not around it! And you are the only BOY pissing around the toilet" Am I an asshole? Am I mean? Maybe. But he is still a douche and I will tell him when he is being a douche and he knocks his shit off. Because he knows that's how this mama rolls..

My youngest, she was spoiled from birth I think. Because she is the baby and she was premature and teeny tiny. She also has a vagina and thinks the world revolves around her. She has now reached 3 years old and thinks she is the #1 Princess in the world and everything is ALL about her. She is a brat. I tell her she is a brat. But guess what folks? She's 3. All three year old children are brats whether you want to admit it or not. 

I just today even had someone question my CLASS as a person because I called my son a Grade A Douche and I did it publicly for everyone to see. Does that make me a bad parent? Well if you think so, think what you want ALL you want. Because it doesn't hurt my feelings.

I don't sugar coat my life. I don't sugar coat anything with my kids either. This is 2014 folks! The world is changing. People are changing, kids are changing, Parenting itself is changing. 

I remember when I was a kid, my grandma would tell me to "Pick a switch" off the tree to get my ass whooped with. Nowadays you even mention the word spank on the internet and its freakin Pearl Harbor out there. Really? I'm sorry. Maybe I am a shitty parent and I keep it real with my kids, but if they need a good ole' fashioned ass whoopin' they will get it. Why? Because that's how I was raised, and it taught me RESPECT. Something not a whole lot of kids have these days in my opinion because to many people are afraid to get slapped with child abuse because they whoop that ass when need be.

So, to sum it up.  My oldest is a snotty stuck up brat, my son is a Grade A Douche and my youngest is a brat too. Call me all the names you want, say what you want. Feel what you want. But I will keep it just as real with my children as I will anyone else on this planet, because that is how I roll.

But while you are busy judging me make sure you keep in mind who I am. I'm the single mom raising 3 kids by herself. I'm also that mom who works her ass off to keep food in their bellies, a roof over their head, and clothes on their backs. Who works everyday to make sure they have everything they need. Who bends over backwards and sideways to make sure my children have the life that I never had. Who is sick as shit and still gets out of bed everyday to raise my children. Had surgery after surgery to try and make myself a better person, a better mother. A mother whom also has Cancer and will kick it's ass to show the world that I can do this. I am the friend you can call at 3am and tell me you are sick as fuck and I will show up the next day with a soup, crackers and laughs. 

I am also one hell of a woman. So judge my parenting all you wish. I promise it won't hurt my feelings or change how I choose to raise my kids. But I won't judge you for how you raise your kids. Because they are your kids, not mine.

Don't like it? Exit to the left...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Broadcasting For The Entire Internet

Since I had started Facebook, well even before then. Since I started out originally on MySpace. I have always gotten a lot of shit for what I do and don't post about. MySpace fell apart years ago, what was it? 2009 I wanna say. So I did what everyone else did, and moved on over to Facebook. Originally I HATED Facebook with a passion. Because it wasn't MySpace, and mostly because I couldn't blog on Facebook. So I sought out otherways to be able to blog where other's could see. And a good friend, a good blogger friend whom I don't see around much anymore, Howie. Told me to look into blogger. It was an easy set up, and you could post to MySpace, and Facebook, email etc.. I gotta say I was leary at first. But anyways, I started blogger. And ever since Day 1 I have secretly been taking shit on my blog for the things I post about OPENLY on my Facebook and even here for that matter. Why?

Because to the people I know closest (on my Facebook) and even here, I have nothing to hide from anyone. I don't keep things private. Not even my sex life, why? Well, why keep things that are so great to myself? People often ask me why I am so open on social networks, yet if you meet me in person, unless I have known you for a really long time (years I'm talkin..) or you are family (and sometimes not even then) I will say only a few words in person. I seem quiet and reserved. Yet, even my own family knows I am batshit crazy and have some serious screws loose. But they love me for it.

But it isn't just the good things I like to share. I share everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. And I get messages sent to me like "Why on Earth would you post that for everyone to see?" And I let out a simple reply, "Because I can. And it is my life, why are you so concerned with it?"

Now that might sound a tad rude? But really. These messages come from most people who only know me online. Never met me in person, or never really. Also, people whom have never taken the time to actually get to know me. To understand why I post the shit that I post. You don't know me, so instead of trying to find out about me, you are just going to judge? Well that is the interwebz for you I suppose.

But judgement comes with the blogging territory right? I suppose it does and I should just let it go like I always do. But sometimes it really irks me..

But I broadcast it all. Because that is just who I am. Love me or hate me, I am still gonna shine and post whatever the hell I want. With that said, I will now continue with the rest of the blogs I had in mind to post today. I have 2. So stay tuned..