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Friday, November 22, 2013

Pain and Sickness

So, for the past week or so I have been sick, sicker than a damn dog. I can't keep anything down! Anytime I try to eat, it comes back up. I have a sharp pain in my stomach, so bad in fact that I curl over in such pain. So I finally cave and call my doctor to be seen, because I am SICK of being in pain and even more sick of just being sick. I shouldn't be this sick. It seems after not 1 but 2 back surgeries my body seems to want to catch sickness known to man. Whatever, it is what it is. I am not one to usually complain. I complain, sure! Who doesn't? But I really don't for the most part. I just put on my big girl panties and deal with it, like anything else in this world.

So it's been 3 days since I went and seen my doctor. I have been on 2 different antibiotics and an anti nausea medication for THREE days now. They should have at least been showing some sort of sign that I was getting better, right? WRONG! It's been 3 days and I am no different than I was 3 days ago. Only difference is, I haven't ate in an ENTIRE week. Nothing I eat stays down, and I have TRIED. I am sick of eating crackers and sick of drinking chicken broth (cuz that is the one and only thing that stays down..) and I am just SICK of being sick! How long do I need to be sick before my doctor gives a RATS MOTHERFUCKIN ASS and does something about it, besides shoving PILLS down my throat!!!!??? I mean is that the solution to the doctor's problem? Does she think, "Just shove some pills down her throat, something is bound to work eventually!!?"

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?

Doesn't it seem more logical to actually figure out WHY my stomach is doing what it's doing? Why I can't keep anything down? Instead of just shoving pills down my throat??? For becheesus sake! I would rather be ADMITTED to the hospital to figure out what is wrong then to sit like this day after day and no one give a flying fuck. And I HATE the hospital! What does that tell you? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

And speaking of pills...Is there anyone reading this that actually LIVES on a daily basis in pain? Physical, nonstop pain? Well I do. I even thought I was doing what was best for my family and had not 1 but 2 back surgeries to try and fix it. To try and better myself as a person and be able to actually function as a person in the real world. Once again, I was wrong.

Having surgeries only made me worse. I wouldn't recommend back surgery to anyone. Even if they tell you that surgery is your "only option" for the love of all that is HOLY don't do it. Go find yourself another doctor and get a second, third and even fourth opinion. Odds are you are better off in therapy and seeing a new doctor every week versus having surgery. It was (to date) the second worse decision I have ever made my entire life.

Now, here it is. Almost ONE year since my first surgery, and guess what? It didn't work. Now I require a visit to the doctor once sometimes twice a month. Physical therapy, a chiropractor, and pain medication just to make it through the day.

Alot of people in this world take their body for granted. They choose to use drugs, and to drink their selves to oblivion and CHOOSE to abuse pain medications and become ADDICTED to these things. I don't choose to take anything. I HAVE to, it is required for me. Here is what a morning in my life consists of:

~Wake up, only to roll over in excruciating pain

~Use every muscle and fiber of my being just to roll over and NOT crack a bone or pull a muscle

~Reach over, turn the light on

~Reach for my purse, because of the medications I am on, they HAVE to stay in my purse so my children can't get to them (they know they aren't allowed in my purse)

~Get up (roughly around 25 minutes later..)

~Go pee, make coffee while I'm in the bathroom so I can take it with me to my bedroom, to then shove pills down my throat.

~Go back to my room, sit on my bed and pull out the suitcase of medications I HAVE to take on a daily basis.

~ Take meds; which consists of (but not limited too) 2 pain pills, 2 muscle relaxers, (up to) 4 antibiotics, 1 anxiety med, 1 acid reducer, and 1 anti nausea medication and last but not least.. 1 antidepressant.. and this is just BREAKFAST!


I have to do this three times a day. And there are some people in this world that think taking medications is all glitter and fucking rainbows!!?? SERIOUSLY!??

I would do ANYTHING to turn back time so I didn't have the surgery. So I wouldn't be a walking fucking pharmacy. I am NOT addicted to any of these medications, in case anyone was wondering. And just for extra peace of mind, every month it is REQUIRED by my doctor's office to do a urinalysis to make the medications I am on are NOT being abused. And SURPRISE! SURPRISE! I'm not. I even had my doctor tell me last week that I need to take them more often, because I don't always take them as prescribed because they make so fuckin irritable that I can't stand to be in my own damn skin most days.

So for those that think its all glitter, rainbows and full of fucking joy because you have HAPPY MEDS.. Wake up people, there is NOTHING fucking happy about being on pills on a daily basis. And if you are, clearly your body doesn't REQUIRE these in order to being able to function as a normal person in the fucked up world we live in.

Wake up and smell the coffee, this is not Candyland we are living in...

That is all, end rant. Carry on folks!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

How Sweet It Is..

 It seems like it was forever ago that I actually blogged. Don't even remember where I left off at. So here goes nothing. My vagina will be leaking all over the place. But I can be real and insane at the same time, can't I? Yes, it's my blog. I can say and do whatever I want Lol.. But this one is more on the real side, my *sensitive* side which isn't seen very often by anyone, so remember this blog. Maybe even remind me of it, later on down the road when my little black heart resurfaces. No worries though. My little black heart, will always remain intact. Just now, it has some loveee in it too. Don't worry, it scares me too...

So I have been seeing a wonderful man for awhile now. I kept it hush hush for awhile. Why you ask? That's a very simple answer. I kept it to myself (well only a few actually knew..) because it just isn't anyone's damn business. Why? People are nosey. In general, if someone is asking about your personal life, or whom you may or may not be with it. I believe that 85% of the time, it is just them trying to be nosey. Very few people in this world, actually CARE how and who you are doing. They just want gossip. With gossip, comes drama. Drama, as we all know, is neverending. Anyway you try to get around it, there will always be drama over your shoulder. Because someone always has something to say about how you are living your life. Either you shouldn't be doing this, or you are raising your kids wrong, always making the wrong choice, picking the wrong person. But seriously? WHO CARES! I know that I for one, have no care in the world who knows about what or who I am doing, and I dont care what anyone thinks. But I still chose to keep it quiet. And it doesn't matter how I put it, it is going to sound selfish. So I will just say it. I did it mostly because I wanted to keep him ALL to myself. Without the whole world knowing, without the whole world judging and to see if it actually went anywhere. Let's just face it folks! Sometimes we get into a relationship and are all gung-ho to move it forward and tell everyone and WHAM! That other shoe drops and you find out that "Mr. Perfect" is married, or secretly has a second family you didn't know about. Then your heart is all crushed (or you want to attempt murder in my case...) and you have to start ALL over again. And as I'm sure we all know, starting over with someone new isn't easy. I won't get into the "Do's and Don'ts" of dating right now, that'll come later.

But it has been no one's business. Until now. When I tell the whole world about him, without revealing who he is.. Cuz I am just sneaky like that. Well not so much sneaky, because a select few people I am close to know who he is.. but you get what I'm saying. I will get straight to what I wanted to say, because I can go on and on all night about this crap and I can see I am rambling.. So back on my topic..

This man, is wonderful. He of course has his little quirks like everyone else, has a past like everyone else. But I love him. Yeah, I said it. I love him. He makes my little black heart skip a beat when I enter the room. Yes, it feels that wonderful to me. I haven't felt like this, in I don't even know how long. I get little goosebumps just trying to get it all out. He makes me feel. I know some people won't get that. But if you really know me, then you know that actually feeling something, is hard for me. Because I have blocked my heart off for so long. Had this wall up for so long, I forgot what it was like to actually feel love. I forgot what it was like to even feel anything at all. And how sweet it really is.

Now, I am not one of those "I love-my-boyfriend-smoochie-smoochie-I just-threw-up-in-my-mouth" in love kinda chicks. That's just now how I roll. And I am even WORSE at expressing my emotions. In a blog is one thing. It is so very easy for me to get it all out. But in person? Not so much.. I've often been called, cold and bitter...even heartless. And those that really know me, know that I am not this person. Its quite the opposite actually. I usually love so much, I end up getting burned in the long run. Thus, making me block my heart. And I have been burned by love and men so much in my whopping 27 (almost 28) years of life, that I had all but given up. Even went down the friends with benefit's road for awhile, and that's just not my style.

I need to feel wanted, I LOVE to feel needed and I truly do love to be loved by someone other than my kids. I want romance and affection and all the mushy crap that comes with it. Why? Because I  have a vagina. That's just how we are built. What can I say? Am I wrong ladies?  We need to be needed.

God, I love this man. I truly do. I haven't been this in love with a man in so long, I can't even tell you when. He gives me butterflies. He makes me laugh like no one else can. And I just feel one in a million.. (throws up a lil bit..) These emotions are all SO new to me. I have never felt like this before, nor have I EXPRESSED this emotions all over the internet, where HE is reading. Yea babes, I know you are reading.. haha And everyone else that may or may not be reading.

But the bottom line... I am actually feeling. And owning up to my emotions. Which, my therapist would say is a good thing. Me? Not so much. I have no problem admitting to him how I feel, telling him any and everything that he wants to know. But the rest of the world? Not so much. That makes me vulnerable I think. Because if someone sees you happy, there has to be SOMEONE in the world who wants to ruin it for me. It never fails. Lol Maybe I am just a pessimist? Maybe I am. But I *always* sit and wait for the cookie to crumble, always. It's apart of life and after all these years I have learn to accept it as it is. A big, steaming pile of pessimism.  But that's just how I am. A giant ball of negativity.

But my outlook on life has changed a bit because of him. I haven't given up on my heart, for one. And I also haven't given up on myself. There for a good long stretch, I had all but given up on myself and just plain didn't care. I was alone, lonely, depressed. Overworked and Underfucked.. It was taking it's toll on my personal life, a big one. And I had reached the point to where I didn't want to do anything. Didn't even want to get out of bed.

And then a very good friend of mine, introduced me to him. I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. Even if you at the time, don't know the reason, there is still a reason. You will eventually find out the reason as to why something happened when it did.

I believe that he came into my life, right then and there, to heal my oh so broken heart. Because I can admit it, it was broken. In so many pieces in fact, that I wasn't sure it could be put back together anymore. But piece by piece that is happening. I can see it happening and so can those close to me. But he makes me happy. In a way that no one else has for a very long time. So long, I can't even remember. It has been just that long since I have felt happy, and alive. I feel alive! And that is a new one for me. He makes me want to be a better person. And I am 100% aware of how cheesy that sounds to even say it outloud. Lol But it is the truth. The raw truth..

Speaking of truth... This one I trust. Trust is something that is very hard for me. Being the pessimist that I am. I always see the worst in people. It's not anything that I have "learned" its just how I have always been. But now it's different. Not even 100% sure why it is different with him, but it is. I can trust him 100% until (which I don't see happening..) he gives me a reason not to trust him. Being able to fully trust someone is VERY hard for me. Cuz I have daddy issues, and abandonment issues and a whole shlew of messes. So I TRUST him with my life, with my kids. I just trust him. And I  thought I wouldn't find that already.

What happens now? Im not sure. One day at a time is what we are doing. It's worked for us so far, and it will continue to be that way. We are good for each other. And will continue to be good for each other.

Okay, now my vagina is done leaking.. I've said all I am going to say about this, for now. But stay tuned. Something tells me that he'll be around in my blogs from here on out.. ;)

P.S. ~ I didn't proofread, just typed and now I'm hitting send. And no, I don't care...lol

Thursday, November 14, 2013

30 Days Of Thankfulness in 3..2...

So, once again this year I see that there is thankfulness plastered all over Facebook. I mean really? Everyone wants to bitch and complain ALL year long and then all of a sudden once November  gets here, everything you have been bitching about all year you are all of a sudden thankful for? C'mon people! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind reading what everyone is thankful for in their lives, but why oh why are you only thankful for these things in November? You should be thankful all year long for pete's sake. Anywho. Last year I wrote a similar blog to this one, to take a peek at it you can go HERE. But here goes my 30 days of thankfulness all wrapped up into one wee lonely blog. 

Day 1: I am thankful for Janis Joplin. Still to this very day she is one of the best lady singers I know. I would lick her face if I could, cuz ya know. That's just how I roll.

Day 2: I am thankful for good drugs. Because, who wouldn't be? With all my problems it is a wonder I can function on a daily basis. So lets add meds to the mix. Yeah, I'm fuckin awesome.

Day 3: I am thankful for the $5 movie bin at Walmart, need I say more? Movies rule.

Day 4: I am thankful for Unicorns. Who doesn't love something that shit's rainbows? *raises hand* this bitch right here does.

Day 5: I am thankful for ear plugs. Without them, I would hear all that jibber jabber that came out my minion's mouths 24/7/365.

Day 6: I am thankful for Runza. If you don't live in the Midwest, you have no clue what I'm talking about. So go HERE to see. The best food ever invented.

Day 7: I am thankful for Monster's.  Legal.. crack in a can, nuff' said.

Day 8: I am thankful for pretty smelly wax candles (scentsy), because I just can't get enough of cupcakes lately. So now my entire house smells like cupcakes! SCORE!

Day 9: I am thankful for neon duct tape, makes taping the minion's mouth's shut much more fun!!!

Day 10: I am thankful for Fucker Bunny. If you don't know who that is, stay tuned.

Day 11: I am thankful for orgasms. My god, does it make a difference in your daily life! I mean, really! Having sex everyday, works wonders on your self esteem and your ego. Like I need an ego boost? hahaha

Day 12: I am thankful for my crazy fuckin friends. They are more like family then most of my own family is to me. I love you crazy fuckers, you know who you are. 

Day 13: I am thankful for my Babymama! My babymama is crazy, and I love her! See you this weekend for our son's birthday! ;-)

Day 14: Starbucks Vanilla Frappacino. OMG! Orgasm in a glass. So damn good.

Day 15: Since ya'll don't know. Around these parts they do what's called the "90's at Noon" and one of my FAVORITE songs came on today. It was "Freak Me" by Silk.. I went to pick my sister up and stood in her front yard singing and dancing and apparently screaming "FREAK ME BABY, AHHH YEAH!" while dancing with your niece is just not acceptable. The neighbors looked at me weird. So I am thankful for judgemental douchebags! If you don't like it, don't look! Lol

Day 16: I am thankful for Xanax. Wait, what?

Day 17: I am thankful for Kid Rock. Cuz really, You ain't never met a motha fucka like me! :P

Day 18: I am thankful for Facebook. *GASP* I said it! Yeah I said it. Without Facebook, I wouldn't talk to half of the people I do know in real life. Thanks for being here for my anti-social ass.

Day 19: I am thankful for my blog. Seriously, where else would I have to put all my crazy thoughts in one place? Oh wait, Facebook. So shit. I guess I'm not thankful for shit on this day.

Day 20: I am thankful that God gave me the ability to cook, and awesomely I might add. Please see; Day:11

Day 21: I am thankful for liquor. Because the saying is true, liquor! She'll love it..

Day 22: I am thankful for camara phones. It catches my crazy moments on "film" See Below: and P.S.~ Yes, that is me.



Day 23: I am thankful for my electric toothbrush. I can't pee and brush my teeth at the same time. My vajayjay hears the noise and thinks it's time to report for duty.

Day 24: I am thankful for therapy. I thought I was bipolar, turns out that I am just an asshole who is happy about it.

Day 25: I am thankful for Walmart. See, they don't have a vibrator section. But walking up to them and asking them where there vibrator section is. PRICELESS! That look you will never forget, I promise!

Day 26: I am thankful for caffeine. Let's say a prayer:

"Caffeine is my sheppard; I shall not doze.
It maketh me wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of conciousness for it's name sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no equal:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of Frappacino's forever.

Amen.

Day 27: I am thankful for me! On the 27th day of November I was born. Just admit it! Life wouldn't be the same without my crazy white ass.

Day 28: I am thankful to be crazy. You can't cure it, you know. But every now and then you can beat it with a stick! True story..

Day 29: I am thankful for the internet. I have now convinced myself that I have swine flu. Either that or my body is rejecting the 25lbs of junk food I have eaten in the last 2 days, not sure which.

and last but not least!

Day 30: I am thankful for my Kindle for Android. Seriously. I have read some awesome books lately. Books of which just make me a little more dysfunctional. But, it is nice to know that their are other mother's (WOMEN) out there that are just as fucked up in the head as I am. Awesomeness.


I know, some of these I may have been thankful for last year. But Im thankful for Janis Joplin every year. Too bad she couldn't rise from the dead and have a comeback. That would be some awesome shit! Anyways, I should move onto my other blogs I have planned to let loose today. I am a writing fool today. Full of inspiration and pretty glitter and rainbows!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sleepless Nights

So, it's been awhile since I have blogged. The only reason I haven't is simply because I do not have internet... I know it sounds crazy right? How many people this day and age don't have internet access??? This chick right here! Yea, I am that poor. Can't even afford the whoppin $20 a month to have access to the glorious interwebz. But ya know, shit happens. Life goes on. I have had so much going on in my life that I am not even sure I would have time to blog even if I did have internet!

October 1, 2013 I was in a car accident. A car accident of which was not my fault. I had just dropped my minions off at school and had just turned the corner and WHAM! Just like that. Yep, some 75 year old douche that shouldn't even have a license, had ran a stop sign. I had just barely seen it coming so I didn't have much time to react. I slammed on my brakes but it did no good. It was done. I hadn't been going very fast, yet the impact was one of which I will never forget. The accident had completely totalled out his 2005 Ford Taurus and had just damaged my hood and headlights. I got lucky on that end. I was also wearing my seatbelt, which hadn't helped much. See, my 2000 Chevy Impala was nice and all. But when it came right down to the impact, my seatbelt did NOT lock like it should have. Thus, sending me head on into my visor, yes my visor. My airbag also did NOT deploy like it should have, which later I had learned was the previous mechanic's fault for not hooking it back up (I had bought the car from my (not so) little brother.

Anywho, to make a long story as short as possible. This accident has caused me many problems. Permanent problems from which I don't believe I will come back from. It had given me a pretty bad concussion. So bad in fact, that for a few days there I didn't know who I was, where I was or anything really for that matter. I was lost, dazed and confused. And the worst part.. There was nothing that I could do about it. There is no treatment for a concussion, just time. I was given that old saying of "time heals all wounds."

Becheesus, I am a true walking disaster even to this day. Over a month later and I remember pretty much everything, but still manage to get confused. Mostly on the easy stuff that most "normal" people have no issues with. Like, what day of the week it is. What month it is, where I put my keys, and just WHY oh WHY do I take my clothes off and in whatever room of the house I feel like and forget where I put my bra? With these tata's, a bra is needed. Yet every single day, I can't find them Lol

You know, it's not like I already didn't have enough garbage I didn't need on my plate, but to add an accident and even more problems to the mix? I really am a walking disaster. It's a wonder I sleep at all... Sleeping is so very rare. But who can blame me? I mean do you blame me?

I could say that therapy helps, but in all honesty I haven't gone. Lol I have been so busy with my life, and the kids and my shlew of medical problems that trying to keep up with my appointments has been a struggle. I even bought a book, to write shit down so that I wouldn't forget, and that does me no good. Because 9 times out of 10 I don't even know what day of the week it is. My head was so screwed up there for awhile that I thought I had forgotten my tiny minion's birthday. And that broke my heart. I seriously cried for 2 days because I honestly thought I had forgotten my baby's birthday. Luckily I hadn't. I still had a whole week to go. But that added to sleepless nights.

When I can't sleep at night, I tend to overanalyze any and everything you could possibly dream of. As most women know, we women overanalyze situations and things, that's just how us chicks roll. But me? With all my issues going on, it is 1000 times worse at night when I can't sleep and ALL I have to do is spend time in my head. I mean, I don't have internet. I don't have cable or netflix or anything. Just the same ole' dvd collection I have had for who only knows how long. So I overthink, worry and wonder. I have tried reading, writing, taking hot bath's and showers, cleaning, herbal remedies. You name it, and I have tried it. What else is there to do?

Well I am supposed to go to therapy. Supposedly, therapy will help. Me working on my "issues" will help me worry less at night and stop overthinking and overreacting and blah blah blahhh.. But I have been down this road before and it still didn't help. They wanted to give me sleeping meds, which I GUESS would be okay. Except I sleep to heavy as it is, adding meds to the mix makes it worse. And I don't like the idea of taking something to make me sleep even heavier so I feel like I didn't even sleep at all. I mean, what happens if I take one of these meds and it just so happens to be the night that JoBlow from down the road decides to rob my house? I will be out cold and wouldn't even know it. So you see, meds aren't even an option. So something has got to give, right? Something has got to work, or at least help in the sleep process?

Ohhhh! Porn!? Lol No that wouldn't help me sleep, just give me wet dreams. Yeah I said it, wet dreams! Lol So what happens now? What do I do to help me fall asleep?

Nothing, there is nothing I can do anymore. Do you think I am forgetting anything? Sheesh! I am at the end of my rope and I am thoroughly exhausted. Someone help me sleep! LOL

Any ideas from you oh so wise ones? I am at a loss. HELP!

P.S. Check back later, I have lots more to share and I have figured out how to hook my cell to the computer for internet access! SCORE! Internet...

Deuces, and I'm outtie.....