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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Communication

Now this is a sore topic for me, believe it or not. I am not a communicator at all. Except when it comes to the internet and blogging. Why is that? Even I am not sure. Eye contact for starters. In person, I am not the one to look someone in the eyes when I am talking to them, it's just not how I roll and I am not even sure why I am this way, but it's just the way I have always been. Maybe because on the internet, I am not being judged to my face? Who knows. I am sure (almost guarantee) that a few have read a few of my blogs and thought "what is wrong with her?" or "W.T.F.?" I guarantee it. It doesn't bother me really, even in person it wouldn't. But something about just knowing I am being judged and physically seeing it and just someone "internet bashing" are just different to me, if any of that makes sense.

I have been working with my almost 2 year old daughter on communication. She is at the stage that she thinks if she whines long enough or cries long enough mommy will just give in and give her what she wants. This is not the case. If she wants something, I make her say with her words what she wants before I will give it to her. She is my 3rd child, and my last. But she isn't any different then my other 2 children. I always tell her "Use your words!" because just whining and crying will get you nowhere in life. But I am a bit of a hypocrite. Because I will use my words, and use them very bluntly. But I am not a person who says many words. I will only talk when I have something to say, and that's it. Im not that random person you will run into at Starbucks and strike up a conversation with about the weather, nope that's not me at all. I am the quiet one who looks down when she walks and avoids every person in the room, why? Because in general, people are idiots. Yes, I said it. Some people in this world are just plain idiots and I can't stand having a converation with an ignorant person. Ignorant people just make me want to smack the stupid right out of them. Im sorry, but that's just how I see it. In general, I can only tolerate people in short bursts. Even my own family. It gives me SEVERE anxiety to even be surrounded by people. I just don't put myself in situations like that. And if I am somewhere and you are acting like an idiot, I would be the person (whether I knew you or not) to tell you that you are acting a fool.

But when it comes to my relationships it is different. For instance, when I am with my man. Him and I rarely talk. I mean we have conversations about random things but we never really sit down and just talk about things that are bothering us, or things we want to change. We in turn, TEXT each other. Is that healthy for our relationship? Probably not. But it has worked for us. When I am with him, the rest of the world stops. I don't worry about anything, I don't have stress over anything I just feel free. Him and I rarely fight about anything and when we do, 9 times out of 10 it is about my own insecurities or something equally irrelevant. And it isn't just him, its everyone else as well. I am not a big talker at all. I am not the person to call you, I would be the person to text you 4156324152364 times and when you call, say maybe 2 words. Because at that point I have already said everything I needed to, that's the end of that.

I always joke around and tell everyone that facebook and the internet is my social life. But in all reality it is the truth. I dont have many friends (less then 5 actually) and none of which really live close and for the most part, I don't even get along with anyone. I am a hard person to get to know in person, and I am a hard person to be a friend with because as everyone tells me, I am "set in my ways" and I am not changing anything for anyone but myself. Does that make me conceited? I have reached a point in my life that I don't even care anymore.

But how do I change my ways after so long? Better question, do I really want to change my ways? Do I really want to change my ways of communication, and why would I need too? Maybe this blog is pointless. But sometimes I wonder, is it really other people or is it just me?

I have soo many unanswered questions sometimes and they are just running through my brain tonight..

I Have Lost My Marbles

I must have lost my marbles somewhere, have you seen them? If you have, please don't hurt them. They are already damaged enough.....!

So I went to pick up my tiny humans from school on Friday, as I do any other day. But apparently I had forgotten that I made plans for some extra tiny humans to come over. At first, I was just going to deal with it. It was only 2 extra bodies and it was only for a few hours. Until, it dawned on me that they weren't just coming over to play for awhile, but they were staying the night. Okay, okay. These kids hadn't been over in awhile, I could handle one night of it, right? But that wasn't the end of it.

One of my daughter's best friend's (known her for almost 6 years now) mother texted me and asked me if I would please keep her daughter for the weekend, for her oldest daughter had homecoming. Every inch of me wanted to scream, "Are you fucking crazy!?" But I didn't. I calmly replied and told her YES and I was on the way to pick her up. After all, in the 6 years my daughter has known her, she has never once asked me if I would keep her for a weekend, so it must be important.

So Friday night (last night..) I had a total of 6 tiny humans in my house. All under the age of 10. All I can say is O.M.G. That will never happen again, ever.

They all know as does everyone else, that I am not *strict* by any means. For the most part I just let them do there thing. They have boundaries and rules, but Im not the strict mom who says you have to go to bed right at dark, or you can't have sugar or cookies after 7 or whatever. I'm that mom who decides to give them ice cream of all things at 9pm at night, why? Just because. Why not? But then I learned that was a mistake Lol

They ran and drove me crazy, screaming like idiots until about 11pm last night before I had finally had enough and was ready to flip my lid. I told them to figure out where they were sleeping and get there already before I started rocking them to sleep with real rocks!!! LOL! It was a long night to say the least. 2 of the tiny humans were not used to sleeping over at anyone's house, so they were extremely restless all night. Tossing and turning and snoring and talking and it drove me crazy. And to make it worse, my own tiny human was coming down sick so she was up off and on all night long with a fever. Last night was horrible, but this morning was WORSE!

Every single one of the tiny humans were up, alert and on the go at 6:45am. Holy batman, what is wrong with them? It's Saturday for God's sake, go back to bed!! What happened to sleeping in on Saturdays? LOL Anyways..

We had planned to go to the annual Intertribal Powwow. It is something as a family we do every year to embrace the Indian in us! (Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe, for those that maybe curious) So we do it every year. Well 2 of the tiny humans just had to go, not that I didn' twant them here, but I didn't have room in my car for them to go with us. So that helped and I went from 6 tiny humans to 4, which was much better. So while we were waiting to go to the powwow, the children had decided that they wanted to play T-Ball in my house while I was busy doing housework. AWWW HELLL NAW! We have some issues there yo!

First off, we don't play ball in the house and my children know this, regardless of who is here. So what do my children do? They decide that instead of playing with a ball, they are going to grab their FOAM dice and play with that instead. Isn't that like asking for trouble? Really? Lol What goes through their head when they do things like that? For the life of me I can't recall what life was like when I was 5, I barely remember even being 5. But my son, is quite the brilliant little turd and knew I wouldn't yell at him because it wasn't a ball.

Needless to say, I shipped them outside after it warmed up a little bit and we went on our way.

But what is wrong with me? Anyone who knows me know that I have next to NO patience for my own children, let alone other people's children, so what do I do? I have 6 of them total in my house and 1 of which will be here til Monday! Why would I do that to myself?

So again I say, if you see my marbles, please be gentle with them.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I Believe

So lately I have been struggling, and it hasn't been a secret. For the most part all I do is "fake" everything. I let others believe that everything is okay, and I am okay and everything is okay. When in reality it isn't, it isn't even close to being okay. But I have also been struggling with what I even believe in anymore. Do I really believe in God? I mean, I used to always believe that God wouldn't give one person more then they could handle. But I am not so sure I believe that anymore. I mean, why would God knowingly put ONE person through just the things I am going through? How does he expect me to get through all this and still have faith in the end? I'm just not sure I believe that God would put so much pain and turmoil in one person's life, I just don't believe it. I am told that I should let everything go and leave it in God's hands and he will get me through. But can I really do that if I dont believe in him? I don't think that is the thing to do. But then again, what do I really know for sure these days?? I have soo many things running through my mind on a daily basis it is a wonder I am still sane. But I guess that is a different blog.

Do I believe in happiness? Do I believe that everything will work itself out? Do I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason? I am struggling and that is all I can say for sure that I do know. The biggest thing I am struggling with right now, is do I believe in myself? I am not sure I do anymore. I don't fully believe in myself. The only abilities within me that I do believe in, are my abilities as a mother. I can and will do anything for my children and it doesn't matter what path in life I end up in, that will never change. I am a mother first, but I am also a person. There is a lot more to me than just being a mother. I am a person. And right at this moment, I don't believe in myself at all. But I dont even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of me. I don't know anymore. I don't know what happens next. But here is what I at this moment do believe in.

* I believe that if I fake it long enough, in my heart I will eventually think everything is okay.

*I believe the though of unicorns and flying monkeys will keep anyone sane, or at least young at heart.

* I believe that everyone has problems in their lives, some are just better at faking it than others.

*I believe that the love of my life has and will continue to support me through it all, and his strength will help my find my strength

*I believe that even on my weakest days, the "I love you mommy" that I receive from my children everyday, is what keeps me getting out of bed each day.

*I believe that you don't know how strong you really are, until being strong is your only option.

*I believe that when you fuck up, you find out who your true friends really are.

And last but not least..

*I believe that laughter is the best medicine, except for diahrrea.

WOOOOSAHHHH!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Health Update

So I figured I would update for anyone that is interested to know how things with my health are going.

Things haven't changed much. Still in a lot of pain and it's kind of being managed. But the doctor's cant give me my surgery until I have been cleared with hematology/oncology first. And right now, they still can't do that. They can't do that because they still for the love of everything that is Holy can't seem to figure out what is really wrong. They have suspicions of what it may or may not be, but they can't "officially" make a determination of anything. In the meanttime, I get to sit and wait. And I am not a patient person.

They have taken so much blood out of me, that I wonder why they just don't insert a line to just take it daily. Because this 8 and 9 tubes every few days is just ridiculous and painful and I am SO sick of walking around looking like a junkie who shoots up all the time. It is embarrassing walking around like this, completely embarrassing. Anyways.

With my blood issues and what not everything is still undetermined, I can say for a fact that if it weren't for my kids who need me, I would have probably stopped going otherwise. I keep going to this doctor and that doctor (seen about 15 in the last 2 months) and blood, and physicals and xrays and ct scans and MRI's it is mentally and physically exhausting. Especially when at the end of the day, I still have no answers about anything. So yeah, if it weren't for my kids I would have stopped going by now. Its to frustrating and I have a hundred other things going on too.

Emotionally, well hell. I am just a wreck, read my previous blog http://crazybeautifuldisaster85.blogspot.com/2012/09/at-bottom-workin-my-way-up.html for details on that. But I am just a complete mess all around.

I am definitely trying to work on things, but its a work in progress.

Still no answers, still no diagnosis, still no treatment plan.. But Im still here!

:)

At The Bottom, Workin My Way Up!

So I have been juggling this topic around for a couple days now. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it, because lately I have had a bit of a writer's block. Which is new for me, because usually when things in my life are at an all time low, that is when I usually have the most to say. But I do honestly have to say I think I have hit a bottom. I dont think I have hit rock bottom, but I do believe I have hit an all star bottom in my life. I won't get dramatic with the details but things are a lot worse off then I even let on. I just spare the details of my miserable life to others. I dont need to feel pity from anyone and certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Because the fact of the matter is that my life is the way that it is because of the actions I have taken. It's my own fault I have ended up in the disaster I am in and I take responsibility for it in every way. And I am definitely trying to fix things in anyway that I can, but it seems the more I try to fix things, the worse off I end up. And lately I just feel like I am screwing things up royally and it doesn't matter what I do. For instance..

I have been evicted from my home..why? Because I can't afford rent. I can't work because of my medical problems (but that hasn't stopped me from looking) and the $160 (sometimes less then that!) in child support I receive every month, isn't even enough to keep anything paid, let alone help with rent. I have gotten help from family in the past, but I feel like such a burden to them anymore that I dont even want to ask. And I know they are sick and tired of helping me. Afterall, it isn't their job to take care of my family and me, it just isn't. And I am just tired. I have tried looking for help from the state. But they always need something I dont have. Like my daughter's birth certificate. Last year it flooded where I live and I lost everything (literally!) so I would have to order a new one. I called the state to ask them if a copy of her birth certificate from her school would be enough until I received the original in the mail and they told me no. It's going to take almost 12 weeks before I see her birth certificate. Where does that leave me? Homeless. I could turn to family for help, but they don't have room for 4 people in their house and I wouldn't ask them to in the first place. I know in the long run (err..short run..) I will have a place to stay if need be, but I dont want to put that on any of them. So I am in a bind.

Because of the endless list of things that I have going on, I have decided to seek out counseling. I have been told for years that it would probably do me some good, but I never went. I didn't have insurance or a car or something was going on that was preventing me from having the time to do so. Well, with everything going on I figured it couldn't hurt any. I mean after all, my life has already about fallen apart, what else could go wrong at this point? So I went to a few sessions, and here is what she told me:

A) I am Manic Depressive ~ which is not something you want to be at all.

B) I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder ~ Anxiety, no surprise there!

C) Stress Induced OCD ~ The more stressed out I am, the worse the OCD is. We all know what OCD is right? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

These conditions combined together, manage to make Jessie a very unstable person. I already knew that something was "wrong" but I just didn't realize how screwed up I really was, until now.

I have never felt so low about myself, my entire life. I have never felt like I have hit bottom until right now. And my gut tells me, that it is going to much worse before it gets better. But who and where do I turn? I dont even know anymore. 

I feel so damn defeated it scares me, it really does. But then it hits me. The reasons why I get out of bed each morning.

...My children

They are the only thing that gets me out of bed each and everyday, the only reason I keep going. My children are all I have, just a regular plain jane mommy. I am running around doing things sometimes up to 18 hours a day. I am a maid, a cook, a taxi, a referee etc.. and a nice hug at the end of the day when they have a bad day at school. I'm just a mom. And I may not mean anything to anyone else (and I have really been wondering what I mean to anyone else..) but I am all that they have. And broken or not, they need me. So I have to find my inner strength each day to pull myself out of bed every morning and try to put the pieces of me right back together.

I am not sure how I am going to get out of this disaster of a life I have managed to create for us, but I will get out of it, if it's the last thing I do!



(PS ~ health update is to follow)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Shit My Kids Say...

So I was lurking around in this awesome group I belong to on Facebook and I wasn't sure what I was going to post about, because I try and post as regular as possible, because I just love that place. Anyways, I was minding my own business procrastinating the ENDLESS amount of house work, yard work and laundry I have to do and I decided to post about what my son said on his first day of Pre-Kindergarten last year.

It was his first day of school and I think I was more nervous then he was. But I walked him and my oldest into school. Immediately my daughter took off to socialize, but my son was a little skeptical of the whole situation. So I walked him over to the breakfast table and told him I was going to stay for breakfast and to walk him to his room. We walked over to the breakfast table and a fellow classmate of his was crying because he wanted his mommy and wanted to go home. My son looked up at me and said, "Mom, why is his vagina leaking!?" .. I was floored. For those that don't understand that. In my house that is the term I use when one of my children are whining. Yes, my son usually calls it a "leaky gyna".. But when he said it, his teacher was in earshot and heard the entire thing and looked at me like I was insane. At that moment I wasn't sure if I should be worried or proud.. o_O

My oldest daughter who is about to turn 11 just started officially hitting puberty. You know the entire works. Hair, boobs, periods, everything. So she walks up to me one day and says "Mom, I know why my boobs are growing!" Me: "Why are they growing honey?" Her: "Everytime I eat, my boobs hurt and that's what makes them grow, so I am going to stop eating" ... Needless to say her and I had to have another "womanhood" discussion, because as we all already know, eating doesn't make our boobies grow.

My son lost a tooth one day, and he was super excited for the tooth fairy to come. However the next morning, he was a tad bit disappointed. He woke up and came and woke me up before the sun had even rose. My mommy instincts kicked in and I thought something was wrong, or he wasn't feeling well. So I asked him, "What's wrong baby!?" He looked at me all sad eyed and disappointed and said "MOM! I think the tooth fairy is broke, she only left me a dollar!" REALLY? Lol When I was his age, I was lucky to get a quarter and he wants to cry about a dollar!!

I always vowed to raise my kids with enough dysfunction to make them funny. But at the rate I am going, I am not sure whether to be worried or proud that they are turning out just as dysfunctional as I am.

Ahh, forget that. I am definitely one proud mama to some awesomely dysfunctional kids!!! :D

Top 5 Reasons I'm Ready For Fall

 Since it's the unofficial end of summer I thought it was time to post some of my favorite things about Fall! Because Fall is my favorite time of year and here are my top 5

#5 ~ I no longer have to mow my grass or tend to much yard work. With Fall comes all the grass, trees etc.. falling to the ground. So what yard work do I have to do? Raking leaves. Which is my kids' favorite thing to do, because they just love to rake them and jump in them. And you know just how much I enjoy my children getting dirty! Its a pasttime around here! It's going to also be great to not spend 6 hours a day mowing the endless amount of land I have. I love my house and the land that comes with it. But it gets tiring and extremely overwhelming to mow all this damn grass, not to mention $30 every other week, YES! I will get to save an extra $60 a month. It's going to be great!!

#4 ~ I can spend days in my hoodie and won't have to change! haha I know that's terrible to even say, but it's true. As a mommy and a future wifey who never leaves home, I don't have much to change my clothes for. No one sees me anyways, so If I am rockin my hoodie, no one will ever know! haha It's going to be great.

#3 ~ Cooler weather. Don't get me wrong, I am all about summer. Swimming and camping and everything outdoors. But when its 120+ degrees outside, how are you supposed to enjoy that when you have children that will have a heat stroke at the drop of a dime? Its extremely hard to. At least with the cooler weather I can hang out on my porch swing drinking a nice cup of Joe and not have to worry about whether or not I am myself am going to have a heat stroke! lol I can't wait!

#2 ~ Changing colors. Nothing is more beautiful then watching the sunset in the fall. The changing of the trees and grass and everything around you is the most peaceful thing to look at. There is green, and yellow and orange and brown and just sooo many different colors its just perfect. Couldn't ask for anything better then that. Its soothing to me..

and the number one reason....DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!! .....

#1 ~ I will be wearing jeans soon enough, so I wont have to shave my legs!!! haha I know, call me lazy. But after a long hard day just taking care of my tiny humans, sometimes I am just toooo exhausted to even shower, let alone shave. And it is exhausting shaving sometimes. I've shaved one leg here, one armpit there.. Yes I will admit it... The joys of being a single mommy! LOL!

Are you looking forward to Fall?