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Friday, August 31, 2012

Hopelessly Devoted

I could write a 6 page blog about just how devoted to my kids I am, but I'm not going too. I always seem to talk about my kids. Which to me is a sure fire sign that I am devoted to them. However I don't always talk about the love of my life, the one and only man that rocks my world.

I love him to death. I am soo devoted to this man, that I would do anything for him. I would walk to the end of the world for him, just because. If I am having a bad day, I can count on him to be there for me, even though he isn't under the same roof with me. I can call him day or night, I can ask him anything, he does anything I ask of him. He is just there for me. Which is something completely new to me. I have always been that girl who has gone after the wrong guy. You know the douchebag who is only worried about himself, doesn't have a job and never wants to do anything but sleep and party. Yeah, little boys have always been my past choices.

But with him, I know in my heart I made the right call when my almost 2 year old daughter called him "Daddy" and he she (up until today) only called him Jason. He loves my kids as much as he loves his own. And the things he does, just melts my heart and brings me to tears.

Never in my life have I been SO in love with someone, as I am with this man. He does something EVERYDAY to make me fall in love all over again with him and he doesn't even know it. Yesterday, he caught a ride and drove almost 25 miles out of the way, just to bring me money, because he knows I didn't have any. Its little things like that, that he does that make me fall in love with him everyday, just because. He has such a huge heart and he doesn't even see it. He doesn't even know that the little things he does, are the biggest reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.

I tell him everyday, multiple times a day just how much I love him. Because I believe it is important to let the ones you love know, before it's too late.

So the other day, I was taking him to donate plasma, and I was sitting in the car with my youngest, waiting for him to come out. Some older gentleman (had a good 20+ years on me) asked me if he could take me out for lunch. I wasn't sure what to say at first Lol Then I told him that my HUSBAND was inside donating. That was a new word for me to use, because even when I was previously married, I never actually used the word "husband." Anyways, I waited for Jason to come out and I told him all about it. And at first he didnt' say anything. And I took him back to where he was staying after we sat down and had a nice lunch together. Later that night we were just talking like we always do, and at this point I was still shocked with my own statement and I told him "I called you my husband today, and I liked it!" He said " I would love that!" and it got quiet for a good 5 minutes...

At that point, I wasn't sure if I had scared him a little or what was going on Lol. Then out of nowhere he just said it. He said "Marry Me"

And I said, "Are you serious?" "Don't play with me like that!" and he said "I don't play when it comes to things like that!" and there was yet another awkward silence.

Every single part of my instincts wanted to scream YES at the top of my lungs, but I was on the computer, so I had to stay collected long enough to give him the answer he already knew he was going to get. YES! Of course I told him yes! The devotion I have for this man, brings tears to my eyes. I am 26 years old and I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the real man. The only man I ever want to be with again. The only man that I want to wake up to forever. The only man in this world I can call my best friend. He is my best friend. The love of my life. And he is the ONLY man in this world I have said that about.

Because I dont care what anyone else thinks, or how anyone else feels about it. As long as him and I are happy together, that is the only thing in this world that should matter. We both make each other happy. Well, at least I do believe I make him as happy as he makes me. And the devotion we have for each other, is the same devotion that I think every man and woman in this world should have for each other. And even after this long I still get butterflies when I see him. I still get butterflies.

And I know the devotion and butterfiles will always be there between us...

Peace

I dont think anyone quite understands the feeling of peace quite like a stay at home mommy or daddy. But I also can't speak for anyone else, I am just assuming here.

I have 3 kids. My 3 wonderful, crazy, weird children keep me on my toes constantly. But I have also strived to make sure that my children live better then I did. See, when I was growing up, I was never allowed friends over, and never allowed to go anywhere. I was the "live in" babysitter because I was the oldest of the bunch and it was my job to keep an eye on them while my parents did whatever. I played the mommy role for my brother and sister for many years. Anyways, I have made damn sure that I wasn't "that" parent to my kids. I mean don't get me wrong, my daughter will babysit when she is old enough, but it won't be a daily thing like it was for me. But where I have make sure that my kids go out and do things, and have people over. My oldest just LOVES to have people over. And I let her do it, even though it drives me batshit crazy! Lol It drives me crazy when I have 4 different kids fighting over bickering it really does. But lately I have been going INSANE with these kids and peace is something that is hard to come by. Here is a rundown of what has happened just in the last week:

~My oldest daughter, who is the wee young age of TEN has just started her period. I knew it was coming, I really knew it was.The emotions running high, the attitude, the growing of little peck boobies, I had seen it coming. But it didn't hit me until just today, like it really didn't sink in until today. I feel old Lol.. My oldest baby has started her period and is starting her journey to "womanhood" and I haven't even reached my 30's yet! She is quite emotional with an attitude too. She actually used the words "I hate you" to me the other day, which you know. In Parenthood, means you are doing your job right at least. But she has the attitude of a 16 year old girl I swear it! My mother was right when she told me that she was going to be 10 times worse then I ever was! Lol

~My wonderful daughter who will be 2 in October is finally and officially off the bottle. I know, I know. As a mommy who has had 2 kids before her, it was my full intention to have her off the bottle before now. But what can I say, I was milking her for all I could get. She is the last baby I will ever be able to have! So the reality that my "last" baby (they will always be my babies) was going to be OFF the bottle, just crushed me a little. But at the same time, I really do believe that the best decision I made for myself and my family was to tie my tubes. Anyways, she is OFF the bottle. And she fought me for TWO days. Crying and screaming and kicking her feet and throwing things and just having little one year old tantrums about it. And it drove me CRAZY. She wouldn't sleep right at night with her "pippy" as she calls it. She wouldnt' sleep during the day, she was cranky and irritable and having a MOMENT of peace has not been an option.

This is a conversation I had with my 3 year old niece today..

"Aunt Jetka, I went in potty and I made a #3"

"What do you mean you made a #3?

"I went to potty and I didnt make it to the potty, and I maked #3 on the floor by the potty"

OMG...

*walks to bathroom to investigate*

She had pulled her pants down to go to the bathroom and because one of my other children moved the foot stool, she didn't make it ON the potty in time. And this is when I discovered what a #3 was.

#3= Pee and Poop at the same time..

*shakes my head*

I can't discipline her for something like that, because she TRIED. But really? LOL So just FYI to any mommy's out there reading, a #3 is a poop and pee at the same time!!

..So at this very moment. I have 5 children in my house. I have two 10 year olds, a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. All have which just fell asleep.

PEACE and QUIET is the best feeling in the world and the very first time all week I have felt like I can sit down and relax without any period talk, or pee talk or bottle talk. I was going so crazy, I made a game up with the kids! We called it "Duct, Duct, Tape" Lol However they didn't enjoy the idea of it as much as I did, so we didn't play...

I FEEL LIKE AN ADULT! I could really use a glass of wine right now..

Finally some peace and quiet to catch up on blogs of which I have neglected all week!!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Where Is That Manual?

You know, that manual that tells you how to raise your kids? Does anyone ever actually read that rubbish? I know I sure don't. But then again, I think a good 75% of those "parenting" books are written by people who don't even have children.

See, I dont claim to be the perfect mom, and I never will. Cuz I'm not perfect at it, and anyone who claims to be is lying through their teeth. There isn't a manual or a "how to" book on how to raise your children. Each child is different, each parent is different and everyone has their own parenting styles. I was raised with corporal punishment. I was beat with everything from a hand, belt, shoe, belt, switch, race car track. You name it, my ass was beat with it. However, I am not that parent that spanks their child, usually. I do occasionally reach a breaking point and it happens every few years. My kids are more emotional, then I ever was (is) so all I have to do is something as simple as telling them they aren't getting TV and they are so butthurt they cry for hours! But my tiny humans are some awesome ones. But I think every parent says that. Here are a few things that my children have told me, that I know as a parent that I am raising them right, even doing it alone, as I have the last 10 1/2  years.

 My daughter walks into the living room this afternoon and takes her shirt off! I looked at her and said "What are you going to do if someone walks in the door?" She says "Nothing, if they don't like it, they don't have to look!" ~ She is definitely my mini-me.

My son walks up to me today and says "Mom, why are you cleaning" I say: "Because I LOVE to clean up after other people, that's why I had children!" He says: "That is SO not funny mom" and takes off running....

My youngest daughter who is just the wee young age of 1, walks up to me this evening after her bath and says "Hi mommy mommy mommy mommy" I say "Hi Jackie, I love you!" She says " I wub you my mommy" and takes off giggling.

My wonderful daughter who is just now getting boobs, walks into the kitchen after her shower and lifts her shirt up and says "Look at my boobies! Im cold so they pop out" ~LMAO

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree with my tiny humans. However I am not an "emotional" person. I am not a person who runs around and says I Love You and gives hugs and things like that. I dont do emotions, I dont do people and I most certainly don't like being touched... But just because that is who I am, doesn't mean I am teaching my children to be the same way...

My children are CRAZZZY, just like their mother. However, my children may have done everything above in just ONE day.. But my children are great to each other. After they had their bedtime snack, my oldest daughter sat down with her younger 2 siblings and read them a few chapters out of her Judy Blume book, because Judy Blume is her favorite author and she loves reading to them.

... My children may be a little strange at times and come up with some doozy's, but they are very gentle and kind towards each other. Well most days. The other days they try to kill each other, I look at them and say "Go to your room, duke it out and lemme know who wins!" LOL

So I may not always be the "perfect" mom to everyone else. But I must be doing something right to have the kids I do! I don't know what I would do without them. I wouldn't survive without them.

But really, where is this mommy manual that everyone speaks of?

Holy Batman: My Revelation...

So I woke up this morning extremely irritated. I was already woke up at 2am because of my extremely RUDE neighbor who knows that I have children and still proceeds to BLARE her rap music all night, knowing damn well my children are sleeping. But even though I was cranky nonetheless I set out to seize the day. Because you see, I have been slacking on housework and laundry something fierce lately. Only doing what is necessary. Like ya know, dishes and the basic laundry each day and what not. Between my doctor appointments and Life just being hectic lately, I have been struggling. Especially since I am doing it all alone. I have been having troubles evenly balancing things out. Balancing things is something I have been working on, because I seem to be forgetting everything lately, so I bought a weekly planner to help with that.

But after I served my children cold pop tarts this morning (yeah, lazy mommy.. I know!) I sat down to drink my morning coffee, because if I can't get in at least one cup in the morning because my kids start driving me crazy, I will go completely psycho on you. I can't function without my caffeine, anyways. While I was sitting down drinking my morning coffee and lurking around on facebook reading about how everyone I seem to know is just SO unhappy with their lives, yet not doing anything about it. It hit me. HOLY BATMAN! I was the same person! I was that person who makes that whiny post on facebook about just how freakin miserable they are. The only difference is, that I have actually been fighting tooth and nail to dig myself out of this hell I have created. *I* am unhappy with things, but my children are still quite content. So I sat down to try and figure everything out. I sat down and tried to figure out just WHY I was so freakin miserable. I mean, I have a lot of things going on to make me miserable and grumpy, but things going on in your life can only make you miserable and grumpy if you let them. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Especially with people around me. I let everyone in this world just walk all over me. why? Because it's just easier that way. Im not a person for conflict and Im not a "shit starter" so if you try to fight with me, I will either walk away or just plain let you have your way so I don't have to deal with it. Is it the smartest decision? Probably not. But it's all I've known my entire life, it isn't something that will change overnight.

But I have really been missing my boyfriend lately. I am so in love with the man, the last time I dropped him off where he was staying, I almost cried. It literally broke my heart to have to leave his side. And he doesnt even know it. Why aren't we under the same roof you ask? Because of my mother. Yes, my mother. My mother is under my roof and they just don't get along by any means. But I can't just kick my mother out, its my mom you know? And she has no place to go, and it just wouldn't feel right. But my mother and I do not get along at all. We fight and bicker all the time. She seems to think she just knows whats best for my children, when it isn't her job. and I could go on and on all night about the differences between us. But to make a long story short, her and I are better loving each other from a distance. And I was here when she needed help, but I am grown. I do not need to live with my mother. My mother is supposed to be off somewhere spoiling my children, not trying to be "mommy" cuz she wants to.

Anyways, with my pending eviction notice, I have been fighting and struggling trying to figure out what in the hell I am going to do. Especially since I have no money! And my honey has been working odd jobs here and there but it isn't enough to cover rent/bills etc.. each month. He is having a hard time finding work, just simply because there aren't any jobs here. Hell, I have a degree and certifications under my belt and I still can't find work. So its not like I actually have any money to just move somewhere. And it isn 't terribly expensive to live here, but expensive enough that I can't afford a house big enough for my 3 kids, me and him and he can't afford it either. But I haven't let that stop me. I have been trying my best to do what Ican. Looking for work (even though I shouldn't be working according to my doctor) and I also filled out the paperwork for my financial aid to take my classes again. Who knows, maybe with my education further I can actually find a descent paying job.

So it's not like I am just sitting around on my ass all day long doing nothing, I am trying my damndest to get out of the hole I am in, but I am just plain exhaustipated. Do you know what exhaustipated is? I am just to tired to give a shit anymore. Lol

Back to my revelation.. I just don't care what anyone has to say anymore. There isn't a soul around me who is willing to HELP me while I am down, why in the hell should I worry about them? I am not going to, not anymore. I mean there is only ONE person in my entire that has been willing to help me and that person's opinions is the only one that matters to me. I am no longer worried about the rest. And I dont want to feel like the person who is "mooching" or "asking for something, and not giving anything" because there are a lot of times I can't give anything in return. But I am doing the best I can with the crappy hand I've been dealt.

But I don't want to live like this anymore and I am not going to! I am getting to old and to "set in my ways" to live with anyone who I dont want to live with! Especially my mother that thinks she needs to rule and take charge of my world. And I get it, I do. I am her oldest daughter and her "baby" so even at 26 years old she feels the need to "parent" me. But she has done her job! I am grown, let me live my life and take care of me and mine already!!

Holy Batman! It is time for me to move on with my life, even if it's a crappy one!!! Lol

Friday, August 24, 2012

Unsettling Update

I don't know if anyone out there has noticed, but I have been very unsettled lately and I am not sure why. Well, I do know a little by why I am unsettled, but Im not sure what I am going to do about things just yet. And here is why:

I had posted to ya'll before that I was sick, I just didn't mention how sick until I knew for sure. I didn't want to worry anyone about what was going on, and I still don't fully *understand* what is going on, but I do know what is wrong with me.. Here is a bit of a rewind in case you have missed it..

As some of you know, on July 23rd I had a Lumbar Fusion on my back scheduled. Well with surgery comes lots of blood work, doctor visits and pre-op appointments. Up until this point, my biggest fear was not ever being able to walk again. But then my blood work came back. My blood work came back, and I my red blood cell count was low (which indicates anemia for those that may not know) and my white blood cell count was high (which indicates some sort of infection, if you may not know) so they wanted to run more tests. But they had ran every test in the "book" on me and couldn't come up with anything. They did an STD screeen, they checked EVERY part of my body and they just couldn't figure it out. At the least, I was very anemic, which I had figured because I have stuggled with anemia since I had my last daughter (2010) and that just wasn't surprising. But after running test after test they just couldnt' find any sort of infection going on in my body. So my primary doctor shipped me to a Hematologist. The hope was that they would figure out what was going on. When I got to the hematologists office, they did yet again more blood work. Only to tell me two days later that I might have Leukemia, and they wanted to run yet again more tests. At this point my nerves were shot. I was soo frustrated with seeing doctor after doctor and having soo much blood taken that they were considering a transfusion, and yet no one could give me a definite answer as to what was going on with my body.

I was frustrated and irritated and just felt like giving up. I had seen 5 doctor's already and I had just reached the point of believing that they will just give ANYONE these days a PHD ( thats a different blog..) But I had all about given up, at least until last week.

I went from my primary doctor, to a hematologist, to an oncologist, to a hematology/oncologist specialist to finally an OB/GYN. Still not sure WHY they sent me to an OB/GYN but they did. And after countless amounts of blood work and pap smears and every other not-so-fun things that come along with a vagina doctor I FINALLY got an answer of what was wrong with my body.

I have a genetic blood disorder called "Atransferrinemia" .. If you would like to read about that, you can go here: http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/atransferrinemia But basically, its like my body is overloading on  iron but it isn't going through my blood stream. Which is causing the low red blood cell count and the high white count.

So now, I have reached this point that I am on about every medication you can think of from A-Z (and I HATE it!) and I just feel helpless. This thing I have, is definitely manageable, but it is still a pain to live with. But I still felt relieved at the same time. After going through all the BS I was going through day after day and all these problems I was having, I finally know what is wrong, and how to live with it.

It is VERY hard these days for me. I am not working, I have an eviction notice, shut off notices and everything is soo hard right now, my head is spinning. I am soo unsettled and unsure of what is going to happen next that I'm not eating right or sleeping right. I also have 3 children that I am raising on my own, plus all of these medical issues. And don't get me wrong, I do have family that is helping when I ask for it. But I am also very STUBBORN. I strongly believe that *I* brought these children into the world, it is my job and my job alone to raise them. I won't let anyone "help" me with them. Maybe that's the wrong choice, but taht's just how I roll I guess.

But I am unsettled in my home as well as everywhere else apparently. I rearranged my entire house today, and it about killed me Lol My body can't take moving furniture and bending etc.. like that! But apparently I am unsettled on facebook and even here on blogger. I have changed my background about 3 times the last 2 days alone.

So I do know why I am unsettled, Im just not sure what to do about it. I dont know how to *fix* things or even what I am going to do next. I am just taking things one HOUR at a time right now, because emotionally and physically and finanacially that is all that I can do right now.

Im sorry for all the typo's, I am sleep deprived Lol But I just needed to vent!

...Until next time my friends <3

Moon

Soo, here is a moon! Lol YES, this is my wonderful and ONLY son dancing while watching "The Pacifier" on ABC Family last night.





Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Snapshot

So it wasn't until just this morning I realized how big my children are getting right before my eyes! And I am around my children so much, that I dont even realize how much they are growing! They are like little weeds! Constantly growing and changing!! So these are the 2 pictures that made me realize just how much my children have grown in the last year.

This is a picture of my my daughter and son on the first day of school LAST year, August 16, 2011

Katie was 9 and entering 4th grade and Jonathan was 4 going into Pre-Kindergarten


Here is a picture of my daughter and son on the first day of school this year. August 20, 2012. Almost exactly a year apart.


Katie is 10 and entering 5th grade and Jonathan is 5 entering Kindergarten. 

It wasn't until I seen this picture that I came to the realization that I am getting OLD! LOL

Monday, August 13, 2012

You Can't Please Everyone


If there is one lesson I have learned, and the very hard way. It is that you really can't please everyone. In fact, what I am learning now at my wonderful age of 26, is that you can't please anyone until you please yourself. If you aren't happy with yourself, then what's the point?

I have always strived to be a "people pleaser," always trying to make everyone else happy. But I am slowly starting to learn that while I am trying to please everyone else and make everyone else happy, I am losing myself in the process, and this is something I can't live with anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore! I have tried so hard in the past (and even in the last week for that matter!) to please everyone else that I am just making myself miserable in the process. But I asked myself a question just yesterday. "What am I doing trying to please everyone else, when I can't even please myself!?"


So it is true, you really can't please everyone. Because somewhere along the line someone will be "butthurt" as I like to call it, or just find the fault in it, it never fails. Personally I have learned that I won't please anyone in my life. Someone always has something to say about how I am doing this wrong or that wrong or I shouldn't do this or I am not doing it they way they would, so it's automatically wrong. It is an endless cycle of butthurt and it will never stop, unless you yourself put an end to it.

You have to reach a "breaking point" and decide that enough is enough. If you don't, you will always feel like a failure and that is no way to go through life. You don't want to constantly feel like you are failing someone. Or at least that is how I feel when I am not "pleasing" everyone.

So that is what I am working on today, and again tomorrow. Pleasing myself. Because if I am not pleased or happy with myself, how on earth do I expect anyone else to be?



Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Love Of My Life

Writing about Love is a very sensitive topic for me. Because in general, I am not an "emotional" person or one of those people who goes around hugging people and telling them I love them. The only people I have ever in my life said "I love you" to have been my kids, and my niece and nephews. I'm not quite sure why I am the way I am but ya know, thats just the way I am. So here I am getting it out in the open for the entire world to know. Because I just don't care what anyone thinks.

I have never really had luck when it has come to love. Apparently I have this sign on my forehead that says "I Like Assholes" that the whole world can see. Lol So it's always been assholes I have been with, assholes and deadbeats. But not this time around.

The man that I am with now, I can't even put into words how I feel about him. Just talking about him gives me butterflies and it makes me feel in way I have never felt before. When I am with him, nothing else in the world matters. All of my troubles and worries just seem to fly right out the window when I am with him, nothing else matters. He's not only my man, but he is my best friend. I talk to him about everything and he is always then when I need him. Even when he was 800+ miles away. I could call him at 4am and he would pick up the phone, just for me. And no one in this world has ever been that way to me. He is very good to me. The best man I have ever been with. He is so great with my children too. I couldn't ask for a better man, I really couldn't.

He has been here for me through the thick and thin, the good times and now when it's bad. Not very many men are like that (well, not the ones I come across I mean..) Usually when times are tough, they go running for the hills, but not this guy. Even when I have screwed his world up royally he is still here. And I love him even more for it.

I can't breathe without him. I literally feel like I am suffocating without him. It sounds cheesy I know. But the distance is killing me. I know the distance from each other only makes our love stronger, but I really do hate it. And it is my fault that we aren't under the same roof, for reasons I wont let air. But it is completely my fault and there are definitely certain things I would like to take back, and I can't. But what is done is done and I am doing what I need to do to change things and make them right again.

But this man has my heart, not just a piece of it.. He has my entire heart and he doesn't even know it. I would do anything and everything for this man, next to my children he is my world. I wake up every morning and just thinking of him, makes me strive to be a better woman. I just feel like I can be a better person, and we are so great when we are together, we are a team. And that is something that is new territory for me, because I am not much of a "team player" as I am someone who is good at doing things on my own.


Most days, he is the only person who keeps me sane. Just a simple good morning text is all that I need to brighten my entire day, and he doesn't even realize it. No one knows how I feel about him. I dont even think he grasps the extent of how much I love him. Most of my family don't understand why, or how. They are always telling me "How can you love him, if you aren't around him!?" I always tell them, I dont need to be around him to show him love or to feel his love for me, and it is true I don't.

I dont know what our future holds, or even where we will be 6 months from now. But all I do know is that I do believe that loving someone and being loved by someone is one of the greatest feelings in the world. And that love really does conquer all. It took me a very long time to believe that. And I never really did until I met him. And now I plan on making sure I spend the rest of my life showing him the love I have for him and the love he deserves. Because he is a great man and he does deserve to be happy, and I will make sure that we both get right where we wanna be, at any cost. Because I dont care what anyone has to say or what anyone thinks. If they don't like it, screw em. This love is ours and we dont need to share!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Dog Days Of Summer


So this summer has been CRAZY! There have been very few days in the last month and a half that have been below 100 degrees. It is highly unusual weather for Nebraska I think. I've lived here my whole life and the heat is never this bad. My kids and I have been making the best of it though. It has definitely been a great one! And it wasn't until this summer that I truly started enjoying summertime and the heat..

<~~These are my children! Well my 3 children and my adopted daughter Rebecca! This was the very first time that we had been out camping. "Real" camping as I call it. We had no running water, no electricity, no bathrooms. Just us and the trees and river! I was a little worried about how my 1 year old daughter would adjust to life in the "wilderness" as I call it. Because she has yet to enjoy the greatness of the outdoors. But she truly does love it. And my adopted daughter did really well for her first time camping as well. I think they were a little bored without technology. But I truly did enjoy watching the children build a fort out of sticks and blankets. The joys of summer!

This is a picture of my babymama and me! ~~~> She came down on Friday, July 13th and had a bbq with me! We have sooo much fun when we are together. It never used to be like that, but we are living proof that people and things do change if you really want them to be different. I would have to say that she is one of my best friends, and certainly the only woman in the world I call my babymama! I foresee a great future ahead of us with a lot of summertime! We don't spend nearly as much time together as I would like, but considering we live 45 minutes away from each other, I think we are doing well! And we don't just get to see each other, but our children get to spend time together as well and I think that is important for brother and sister to be together regardless of whether their father wants them too or not! We put our differences aside for our children, and that just makes us the bigger people, in my eyes at least.

<~~ This is me riding in the backseat of a convertible! This was after I spent the night with one of my very good friend Cassie's house. She has been my friend for at least 12 maybe 13 years? We have known each other so long, I dont even know how long!! We lost contact for awhile, and reconnected via facebook. And if it weren't for her (and a few others) I dont think I would have made it the last few weeks. Life has just been knocking me down and she is one of the very few in this world I can call a true friend, and I love her!! Ohh yeah, those are also her shades that I am pimpin, hahahaha :)

These are 3 of my favorite girls in the whole world! ~~~> This is my daughters Katie and Bianca, and my adopted daughter Becca. I say that Bianca is my daughter, because she has even called me "mom" a time or two in her life. And I was also there to raise her for the first 3 years of her life and even now I manage to put my 2 cents in from time to time. She is actually my baby cousin! I will always look at her as my daughter though. They are at Becca's 10th birthday party, striking a pose! They are sooo great together and are really close. Having such a great time enjoying their summer together in the pool!!!

It has been very, very hot outside, but we have managed to make the best of it. Spending a lot of time camping and swimming and spending time together as a family. Isn't that what summertime should be all about? Spending time with your family and living it up! Because I do know that once winter hits, we will have 12ft of snow and we will not be enjoying the weather as much as we do now. 

Although I do have to say I enjoy fall/winter more then I do the summertime. Because I stand by my own statement when I say "When it's cold, you can always put more clothes on, but if it's hot as hades outside, you can never legally take enough clothes off!!" LOL

So I ask, how have you spent your summertime? And I leave you with...

...Satan has called, he wants his weather back!!!

My Bucket List

So with all the things going on in my life, it has had me thinking about a lot of things.. More things then I probably should be thinking about Lol But since all I have on my hands is time It got me thinking about all the things in life that I want to do, and have yet to do, so I decided Im going to write it all down and accomplish them one at a time..

1) I'd really love to visit Ireland. Not just for a weekend or so, but to really live and experience everything they have would be perfect. I've always had a thing for Ireland, and to kiss that blarney stone, would rock my world! haha

2) There are a lot of things I have tried, and I won't go into any further detail Lol and this might make me sound a lil more freaky, but I would love to have sex in an elevator. I think that would be interesting, to say the least....

3) I would love to go bungee jumping. I know, it sounds crazy and I do have this fear that I will jump and the bungee would break, but fuck it.. Im gonna die eventually anyways so I might as well do it with an adrenaline rush! LOL!

4) Before I die, I want a house that is fully owned in my name. No one elses, just allll mine. Ranch style preferrably with lots of land for my children and future grandchildren to run. Also for my gardens because I love my gardens. Not a farm, but just land with a ranch style house, with a room for everyone. With wooden floors and a bearclaw bathtub, because they don't make those like they used to ya know.

5) To end up with a man that actually loves me for who I am. Someone who can accept my children and the rest of my family without restriction. Someone who is always here, through the good and the bad. I was supposed to have that in my marriage, but I dont think marriage is for me. So I am good if I never do end up getting married again. Or maybe I will just know when it's right? Who knows, but either way..

6) Im not asking to win the lottery, because that will never happen lol But to be in a comfortable place financially would be a dream come true. I want to be able to put my kids through college and that's something at this point and time I can't do! Luckily my oldest is only 10 so I still have some time, but I would like to be able to put all 3 of my children through college.

7) I would love to be happy with myself. I am almost 27 years old and I can only name maybe 1 or 2 times in my life so far that I have been happy with myself. Happy with who I am. Happy with the person I end up being in life. Because at this very moment, I am not happy with myself, and Im not even sure how to get to happy.

8) I'd like it if my family would be proud of me. Right now I don't feel like they are proud of me. I think they view me more as a "charity case" or someone to feel sorry for. It would be a nice accomplishment if I actually felt as if they were proud of me, instead of looking down on me.

9) I'd like to accomplish something more in life than just having children. I swear it feels like that is the only thing I have accomplished this far in my life, but I know the only way to get there, is to get up and be somebody...

10) I'd like to write a book, I love writing and blogging.. But to actually write a book and have it published would be amazing. An autobiography maybe? I know I haven't lived very long in life, but to write a book, based on my own personal journey in life, would be great. And maybe somewhere down the line my struggles and hardships in life might make others see things from an different perspective.

Well these are the first 10 things on my list I am working on one at a time, while taking things one day at a time. Will I accomplish them all? Maybe, maybe not. But I hear you are never supposed to give up on your dreams, so at least I have a rough draft!!!

...Until next time