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Friday, July 27, 2012

YOLO or FISH?

So I got some rather disturbing news the other day, that of which I am not ready to share yet. But it has definitely got me thinking about things, especially with a completely different outlook. But this is where Im stuck.. Have I reached YOLO (You Only Live Once) or FISH (Fuck It Shit Happens)? Yeahhh I think Im looking at things from both angles.

So with my horrible, life altering news I have decided to change things drastically in my life. I am cutting certain people out and learning the hard way who my friends really are. With cutting people out I have decided that my biological father will no longer have anymore space in my heart or mind. If I am not important enough to him, then he just isn't worth my time anymore. If he doesn't care at all, why should I? So he is gone, forever gone. It was a very very hard choice to make, but it has been made and once my mind is made up, that's it.

I have also decided that life is just way to short to play by the rules. I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I do in life, someone will either love me for it, hate me for it, or just plain won't agree with me. But why should I bother trying to make anyone else happy, when no one is trying to make me happy? Ahhh it's just no longer apart of my life plan. The only persons I am worried about making happy anymore are myself, my children and my man. If my family happens to disapprove of whatever, then I don't give a rats ass! As long as my children are taken care of, nothing else should matter. Fuck it, shit happens!!



I am 26 years old and I have yet to live my life. I am young and what I am about to go through is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. But it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It isn't going to be easy and it will be the biggest obstacle I will ever have to overcome as a person. It will be hard for me, my children and anyone who is in my life. And to be completely honest, reality has yet to set in for me. I haven't broke down and cried or even figured out what I am going to do. But at this very moment, I am taking things one day at a time because right now that is all that I can handle. I mean after all, you only live once right?

Today, I went and did something I never thought I would willingly want to do, I went shopping! And anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am not a person who enjoys going shopping, but since I am taking things one day at a time, I decided against my usual daily chores and went shopping, what did I have to lose? Tomorrow I am going camping and Im not sure how long I am going to be gone.

Being in the wilderness, is the best feeling in the world for me. I feel free. I don't have to hide who I really am, and I can do as I please. I don't have any technology or running water or electricity out there. It is just me and the wilderness. It's quiet and peaceful and just plain free. I love it. And I will be with the love of my life and that will make things even better.

You see, there are quite a few people that don't want to see us together, not just my family but his as well.. Although he won't openly admit it to me Lol.. But I don't care and neither does he! It's our relationship and not anyone elses, if they don't like it they don't have to. But this love is ours! And they can just get the hell over it!



So I have decided that I am not going to play by the rules anymore. Life is just to damn short to be living to please everyone but yourself. So if you take away anything from this blog, remember this:

~If you can't make yourself happy, you can't make anyone else happy.

~Live life like there is NO tomorrow, because one day there may not be a tomorrow.

~Love with all you have, and make sure you let your loved ones know it, before it is too late.

~Laugh! Laughter is the best medicine in the world..

and

~ALWAYS kiss your babies good night, even if they are sleeping

So, I ask...

.. Do you live YOLO or FISH?


Monday, July 23, 2012

Breathless

Quite a few things in this world leave me breathless, even if only for a moment.

~The sound of laughter coming from my children. It takes my breath away just hearing the sound.

~That very brief moment I had the other day when my doctor told me that I might have cancer, I still have yet to catch my breath from that one.

~The words "I love you mommy" coming from my children. It takes my breath away, knowing I am doing my job as a mother right.

~The look in my man's eyes when he kisses me. It makes me feel like the only girl in the world, and takes my breath away and still after all this time, gives me butterflies.

~This WEATHER!  It has been sooo freakin hot lately it takes your breath away. In the 100's and so humid and muggy is makes you sick. Satan has called, he wants his weather back!

~ My great-grandmother's voice echoing in my head, telling me to calm down and take a breath and just live your life to the fullest. That leaves me breathless and speechless sometimes, because it's a constant chatter in my brain.

~And anything that is sung by Kansas. That is my all time favorite band and always will be. I could and do listen to them for hours on in. If I could only of been a fly on the wall back in that day!!

What Do You Stand For?



I personally LOVE this topic. Kudos to whomever it was that came up with it, because I believe it is absolutely brilliant!

Anyone who is a frequent flyer of my blog already knows that most of my writing is based around my family or whatever is going on in my life. Well recently, my back surgery was postponed because of my blood work that came back from my pre-op appointment. I am now being referred to an oncologist. That of which I don't see until later this week. But these recent happenings in my life have gotten me thinking about a lot of things in my life. The people in my life, and just my life in general. All of which have left me even questioning myself. I never claimed to be the greatest person in the world but I have wondered. Am I parenting my children right? Am I good girlfriend? Am I doing anything at all right anymore? I question myself almost daily and I don't have the answers. But this is what I do know and what I do believe.

~I was raised to RESPECT my elders. It doesn't matter if it is someone who is 1 month older then you, or 10 years older then you. If you are sitting in a chair, and someone older then you walks in, you get your happy ass up out of that chair out of respect.. Whether you like it or not. This is something I have also instilled in my children as well.

~I believe that no matter what, Blood is and will always be thicker then water. Doesn't matter what the situation is, your family always comes first.

~I firmly believe in Karma. I do believe that what goes around, does come back around and you will get what's coming to you. Karma has no deadline

~I also believe that one should take responsibility for their actions, no matter what the case maybe. I believe if you can lay down and make a baby with someone, you should be able to raise that child as well. Otherwise, don't make babies!

~I believe in honesty. I have been told on more then one occasion that I am a very honest and blunt person. But I would rather be known for my bluntness and honesty then to have someone say that I am "fake" or untrustworthy.

~I believe that Laughter truly is the best medicine or ANYTHING. If you can't laugh, even at yourself, then what's this life for? Laughing, living and loving one another EQUALLY is the best way to get through life, in my opinion.

~I believe in forgiveness. I believe in forgiving, but never forgetting. If you don't forgive a person, that gives them the power over you and that my friend is no way to get through life.

~ I believe thar Love will get you through anything. Love will get you through life. The power of Love is one of the greatest gifts in the world we are given.

~I believe that every person in this world is here for a reason and for a purpose. We all have a purpose in life, we just have to have the patience to figure out what it is.

So what do I stand for? I stand for myself. Because I am one of a kind and there is no one in this world like me. I stand for everything I believe in. The Good, the bad and the ugly. Because that is just how I roll... :)

Monday, July 9, 2012

Love Is A Battlefield

Ahhh Pat Benatar said it! Love is a battlefield, it really and truly is. It least it always has been for me. I think I have this sign that says "I attract losers" that must be tattooed on my forehead or something because LOVE has done nothing but hurt me my whole life. It just hurts and I hope that one day it doesn't. But I have been broken from it so many times I am slowly but surely becoming jaded.

So on May 19, 2012.. The man I love with every fiber of me finally moved from Alabama back to Nebraska to be with me. I was so excited that I blogged about it and I had butterflies for a week. I have been in love with this man for so many years, but the circumstances have never been right with us, something was always in the way or something was always wrong so it never worked out. So I thought when he finally decided to move up here, things would be different. Way I completely wrong to believe that. Things aren't any different then they were years ago when we had first been together. The only difference is now we are both a little bit older.

I haven't talked to him in over a week. He doesn't have a phone, I have absolutely no idea where he is or if I will ever even hear from him again. Why? Who knows. Even at this very moment I can't get an explanation. The only thing he has ever told me is that he doesn't like all the drama that is in my life right now, but really! Does he think I enjoy it? NO! But there is only so much I can control and everything else is out of my hands. But I can't help but think, if it was really meant to be, then wouldn't he stick around? I mean it feels like he is bailing on me already and it is breaking my heart. And the more and more I try to talk to him the more and more he just pulls away. So I can't help but feel like I was just an excuse for him to move down here. And it is killing me. I am sooo in love with this man it breaks my heart every single day. And he knows this, and he still chooses to stay wherever he is at doing whatever it is he is doing. And I just sit here day after day like a retard waiting to hear from him, and why? Because I love him. But I have reached this point in my life that if you aren't all in it with me, then you aren't with me at all. You have to be willing to see me through my worst or you won't get me at my best. Because I am getting to old for the high school games and I don't want to play any head games either. But I love him, so Im waiting it out and hoping he comes around. Maybe he just hasn't had time to adjust? I don't know what to think or how to feel about any of it anymore. I just know I love him and I don't even know if he loves me anymore. It's all so confusing. My heart tells me one thing while my head is telling me something completely different. And Im told I need to follow my heart, and take my head with me. But that is so very hard for me to do. I sit here wondering, will I ever get my happy ending? Will it ever be right? Will anything ever work out like it's supposed to?

Im always saying that what's meant to be, is just plain meant to be. But I feel like an idiot. I really do. I mean,  I can't believe that a man would actually move here for me? Why would I be dumb enough to believe his head and heart was all in it? Because it  isn't and Im not even sure he knows what he wants anymore and I believe that is why he is distancing himself away from me. But what do I know? He hasn't even bothered to call me or anything so I could be completely wrong. I don't know what to do about any of it anymore.

He is fully aware that I am having surgery, and he is nowhere around. If he can't be here for me now, why on earth would I expect him to be there after the surgery? I can't count on him at all, he seems to be more unsettled and unstable then I am right now and I can't have that. But I just love him and I want it to work. But it isn't going to work if *I* am the only person making an effort.

I know what I need to do, so why can't I do it?

Here I Go Again...

If that isn't one lesson in life I learned at a young age! Shit just happens! And it happens to good, unsuspecting people in the worst ways possible. For example... I am getting ready to have surgery, did I ask for to have surgery? HELL NO! But it just happens because my body is slowly but surely falling apart on me. Im getting ready to lose everything around me! My house, lights, gas etc.. And there is only so much I can do about it! Shit just happens. But if there is one thing I have learned already this week, is that shit does happen... But the best thing you can do is flush the damn toilet and move on. Here I go again..

So I applied for such and such to get my foot in the door on things before my surgery, trying to get the help I need. Im not one to even want anything at ALL to do with the state, but I am doing what I have to do for my kids. There is no way around it. Their father's couldn't give a damn about them so it is left to me to be the best mother I can be to my 3 children. Even as much as I am falling apart. So I am trying my damndest to get it all done before the 23rd because once the 23rd gets here, I will be a sitting duck, literally. I won't be able to do anything at all for Lord only knows how long it will take my fallen apart body to heal. I am doing what I can.

Meanwhile, I am relying on other sources, the big ones. My family. If I didn't have them around me right now I probably would have fallen apart years ago. We all have our ups and downs.. but what is family if you can't rely on them when you need them? For the next 6 months I will solely be relying on them and only them to help me. I will barely be able to move and I have 3 kids to raise! It's going to be the hardest road I will have to travel on and it scares me to death. I don't know if I could do this surgery if I didn't have my family there with me. The man in my life? Well, let's just say that he may be the love of my life, but Im not the love of his, but again I will blog about that later..

My friends, whom I am learning who my REAL ones are will be there for me. My friends are my family and always have been and always will be. They all hold a special place in my heart and always will. Some I have known for years, some I have only known for a little while and some I have NEVER met in person, but I still know who is real and who isn't. Who is here for me and who isn't. When you get older, you really do find out who your friends are. Here all this time I thought it was just an expression, but it's the complete truth.

I have my Babymama as well. We aren't in contact with each other as much as we used to be, but we are still apart of each other's lives and we "share" children together so we always will be! And I know she feels the same way. The only thing that is keeping us "apart" right now is distance. Distance is our only road block, well that and my broken phone lol but we won't go there. But I love her and always will. We have our own little strange relationship and I know she will be here to see me through it all.

I am hopeful and fearful of it all, but I know that whatever is meant to be, is just plain meant to be. I don't like most of what's going on in my life but I do know that the only person who can change any of it is me. That is a very hard lesson for me in life right now because I don't like change at all. It makes me feel...well I guess the best word for it, is unstable and unsettled. I don't like change whatsoever and Im not even sure why, I just don't. I've tried very, very hard to keep things stable for the sake of my children. But sometimes change just has to happen. Change has to happen in order for things to get better, at least for me anyways at this point in my life. And I am going to end with this to head over for another blog, because the inspiration is just flowing and I just can't stop! LOL!

...Until we meet again

I'm Crazy And I Know It..

So, everything in my life is screwed to hell right now and I can't do anything about it. So fuck it. I am just rolling with things one day at a time. What else can I do? I have been using humor to get through my days, because if I don't, I swear every part of me will have the emotional and mental breakdown I so deserve. I really do need a vacation, but since I can't afford one I have decided that this weekend Im just gonna drink until I don't know where I am, ta da! Vacation lol

But what is with this heat? I seen on the news tonight, that a total of 74 people have died due to the heat... Umm Satan has called, he wants his weather back! For the loveeeee it's sooo damn hot outside the bodies in my freezer are starting to thaw. What am I going to do now? I could bury them but they will resurface at some point, I am sure of it. So I guess it's time Satan takes his weather back, its so damn hot out you can't even breathe out there! It just takes your breath away. So he needs to take his heat back so my bodies will stop thawing out, they are starting to smell. My neighbors might get suspicious....

So the little horse tank I have for my kids to play in has turned green. I swear if I am not out there cleaning it every day, it turns green in like 2 days. Its going to jack up my water bill for sure. Why can't water just be free anyways, its WATER for God's sake. I think that water should be free, for the record. Because it's costing me a fortune to keep my kids cool in the pool! Speaking of pools, I called them to find out how much it is for a pool pass for the summer and it's $175. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? All that just to get in a pool that Im sure kids pee in every 10 minutes! I mean really? That is just ridiculous. Water should be free and it should be free to swim in too! Especially with all this damn heat that's going on.

So I started a bucket list, I figure I have a fucket list already, why not a bucket list too! I decided I wanna go kiss that damn blarney stone just to see what it's all about. I mean, does it really bring you anything to kiss that damn thing? Im not thinking it does, but what do I have to lose at this point? Lol

I also want to go bungee jumping. I have this fear that once I jump, the rope is just gonna break and Im gonna die anyways.. So why not have an adrenaline rush while Im at it? Why the hell not.. I would have nothing to lose at that point either.

I'd also like to have a naked butler and a naked maid my last days. That away I have things cleaning and bending over for me when I get old and can't do it anymore. That would be awesome. Of course at this point I am hoping my kids are gone, but whatever. I'm not picky. Oh and I'll take a pool boy too, just because its my bucket list and I can do that.

Ohh, I would also love to have sex in an elevator before I die. Not sure why, but sex is on my mind tonight and that would be very fun to have sex in an elevator. Has anyone tried it before? I know I want too before I die. I don't think there is anything I wouldn't do sexually, but we won't get that explicit tonight, Im too tired hahahahahhaaha I'd also like to bang Channing Tatum while Im at it. WOW he is one hot mofo and if I could have kids, I would have 10 of his! Him and I could make some hot lil indian babies! hahahahahaha

Ohhh I have a lot on my bucket list. But these were just some things that were on my mind tonight. Im crazy and I know it. But aren't all the awesome people in the world a little slightly unhinged?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Hopes And Fears

I really enjoy this topic, mainly because both have been on my mind recently. I have been thinking alot lately about my surgery coming up on the 23rd and I have hopes and fears about it, but who wouldn't? Hope is something that is often hard for me to believe in. At this point in my life, I am not sure what I believe in and hope.. well.. Deep down it is always there somewhere, It's just hard for me to find sometimes.

My hope is that everything goes smooth an I have no complications etc from the surgery. But again, hope is something I don't have much of, so I am also not holding my breath either. Because just about 85% of the time I get drawn the short end of the stick and something always goes wrong, always. And I am not expecting this to be any different. I almost found myself praying the other night, and that's not me at all. I don't do church or God, or praying. Everything is just what it is. If that makes any sense to anyone. But I have been battling these problems for over half my life and I just keep telling myself that something has got to give! When is something good finally going to happen, is this going to be the good thing that happens finally? I am hoping so, but again I am not holding my breath. Hope is so very hard for me to have but I am trying really hard. How do you just have hope? Where does it even come from? I just plain don't know anymore...

I also fear that once I have this surgery, things will be worse. Im a pessimist and I am hoping for the best but anticipating the worst. On the list of things they gave me that could go "wrong" I am assuming will happen to me. I don't know why I am just the pessimist but I am anticipating it ALL. I also fear that once I have this surgery, I will have no help. I will have no help when I need it the most and that alone scares me. I have 3 kids to take care of and I am doing it on my own and this surgery will have me off my feet and in bed for 6 months, at least. I can barely get help now with things, why would it get any better just because Im having surgery? This fear alone has almost had me cancelling the entire surgery. Just because I am not 100% who I can and can't count on when I need them the most. It scares me. I try and stay hopeful through it all, but my fears outweigh my hopes and Im not sure how to balance the two out. Or how to get rid of my fears? I am shooting for one day at a time at this point. I am taking things one day at a time and that is all that I can do right now.

One day at a time for finding my hope and one day at a time for eliminating my fears! What do you think?


Monday, July 2, 2012

The Change Of My Pride

I have gotten so behind on blogs, I am wrapping 2 blogs into 1 so bare with me and hold on for the ride ;)


Things in my life have drastically been changing, and at a very rapid pace. They have been changing so quickly my head is still spinning. And here is what's up..

I am getting ready to get an eviction notice.. Not because I haven't paid rent or anything like that, but simply because my landlord who also happens to be my uncle is a dick (yes I said it..) and didn't get his rent right when he wanted it last month. So he is giving me the boot. I am about to be homeless.. Second, every single source of income I had is now officially gone. My cable and internet is off already. Luckily I have really awesome neighbors (also family, by marriage..) who have opened up their router to me to let me use their connection to connect to the internet otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog. As of tomorrow the only telephone I have will be off so I won't have that either. I am hoping that at least won't last long because it's not good to not have a telephone with 3 kids. I can just see the worst of the worst happening, Im a pessimist, what can I say? Lol Anyways..

To top all of that off, I am also getting ready to have surgery (already wrote that blog) and that will leave me down for 6 months at least, as long as there aren't any complications. Well besides physical therapy. I will solely be relying on everyone around me for everything and even have to enlist in help with my children which is going to be very hard for me because I don't like anyone but me taking care of my kids or having a say in things, I am just stubborn that way I guess.

It seems like the more things change in my life, the worst they get. They just keep getting worse and I have done everything in my power to do what I can as an adult and a mother to do what I need to in order to take care of my children, EXCEPT get help from the state.

This brings me to the worst of my sins.....PRIDE...

Do you know how hard it is to swallow your pride? Pride is something I have always had. I have NEVER been someone to ask for help. I have never been the person to go next door and borrow a cup of sugar, I just refuse it. I mean. I made these kids, its my job to take care of them. I shouldn't need to enlist in anyone's help to raise them etc.. But I have.

I swallowed everything and have dropped to the lowest point possible and enlisted in the help of the state. I have filed for disability, because here in the next 3 weeks I will technically be disabled the rest of my life. It will be one surgery after another and I will never be able to hold down a job. I have also filed for general assistance (help with my bills etc..) and here it is called "Section 8" Im not sure what it is called anywhere else, but basically it is finding a house, and the state helping me pay for it, based on my income. Which is nothing right now. I feel like a horrible person, a terrible mother and I feel awful. The change I have had to make in myself, my pride, my everything. It is not something I am happy about, but that is a completely different blog.

I have officially reached the lowest of the low but I still have not lost hope. I still have the belief that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out the way it's supposed too. I know I will NOT be homeless and I am now doing everything humanly possible to take care of my family and I will continue to...